The Beginner’s Guide To Using A Strap-On

One of the great things about strap-ons is that anyone can use them. If you have a penis, you can use a strap-on. If you don’t have a penis, you can use a strap-on. You can use a strap-on to penetrate a partner of any gender, to subvert stereotypical gender roles or to play with those roles. You can use one for fun, or you can use one to manage erectile or orgasmic challenges. You can use a strap-on for vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex, manual sex or masturbation.

Illustration by Jim Cooke.

If you’re interested in trying it out, here’s your beginner’s guide.

Learn the Basics

Strap-ons are obviously meant to mimic the look and experience of having a penis. The basic strap-on setup is comprised of a harness and a dildo. The dildo has a flared base; the harness typically has an O-ring that the dildo gets threaded through. The combination of the flared base and the O-ring hold the dildo in place against the wearer’s pelvis.

Harnesses typically come in one of three styles:

• Jockstrap. This version looks like a classic jockstrap, with straps around the waist and over each butt cheek.
• Thong. This style looks just like a thong, with a strap around the waist and a strap that goes between the legs and between the butt cheeks.
• Underwear-style. This version typically looks like a pair of underwear or boxers. You can use them for wearing a dildo all day, or during sex.

Dildos come in every size, shape, material and colour you can possibly imagine. You can get ones that look very realistic, or you can get ones that are more playful.

How to Buy a Strap-On

Here’s the bad news about strap-ons: Getting a proper harness and dildo combination is an investment, both of your time and your money. It can take a while to figure out what you like, and sometimes you won’t learn until after you’ve made a purchase and tried it out. You also really get what you pay for when it comes to harnesses and dildos, so I don’t recommend skimping (especially if you think strap-on play will be a big part of your sex life). It takes some time and patience, but the payoff can make it all worth it.

If you have a nice sex shop in your area, I highly, highly recommend shopping in person. A knowledgeable sales person can walk you through the entire process. Many stores even have strap-on workshops. Being able to look at and touch your harness and dildo makes a huge difference in the buying process. If you have to shop online, read as many reviews as you can. Reviews can provide surprisingly detailed and informative information about your options.

Here are some harness buying tips:

• Make sure to get an adjustable harness made out of comfortable material (typically leather or nylon). The harness should be pretty snug, to ensure you have maximum control over your dildo. Adjustable straps will help you get the fit just right.
• Some harnesses can be used with a variety of dildo sizes, while other harnesses can only be used with specific dildo sizes. Make sure you understand which model you’re buying.
• You can get a harness with a bullet vibrator attachment, which delivers vibrations against your clitoris. Since you won’t feel any physical stimulation from using the dildo itself, a vibrator can be a nice addition.

And some dildo tips:

• If you have a consistent partner, you may want to allow them to pick the dildo, since they will be the one getting penetrated with it.
• Make sure your toy is made from body-safe material, typically silicone. A lot of sex toys are made out of porous materials that can release chemical compounds called pthalates. You can read more about this here. If it doesn’t explicitly say body-safe, don’t get it.
• If you really connect with wearing a dildo, from a roleplay or a gender perspective, you may also want to consider purchasing a soft dildo that you can wear all day. (This is often referred to as “packing”.) These types of dildos are meant to resemble non-erect penises.

Getting Used to Your Gear

Wearing a harness and dildo feels weird at first. It’s a whole extra appendage that you may have never had before. It takes some time to bond with your new body part.

I recommend wearing your harness and dildo alone for a while. Wear them around the house as you do non-sexual activities. Wash the dishes with your dildo on. Watch TV with your dildo on. Give yourself some time to get used to it, and get a sense of how the strap-on works with your body. The more comfortable you are with it on your own, the easier it will be to use it with a partner.

I also highly suggest masturbating with the strap-on on. It can be really hot to masturbate your dildo, or play with it while touching other parts of your body, and it definitely helps in developing a connection to it.

Using the Strap-On With a Partner

Once you’ve gotten comfortable with your gear, you may feel ready to start using it with your partner. Here, again, I recommend going slow. Let your partner see you in your new purchases. Wear your harness and dildo as you and your partner make out.

It can also be incredibly hot to have your partner jack off your dildo or give it a blow job, if you’re both comfortable with those activities.

If you want to use your strap-on for penetration, the most important piece of advice I can give you is to use a ridiculous amount of lube. Make sure your partner knows to tell you any time they need you to stop and apply more lube. Remember: Never use like with like when it comes to lube. If your dildo is silicone-based, you won’t be able to use silicone lube with it. Use water-based instead.

You may not ever have had to use thrusting motions during intercourse before. If that’s the case for you, thrusting is going to feel supremely weird at first! You just don’t have the muscles that thrusting develops. A lot of people go comically overboard trying to figure out how to thrust, but I recommend trying to keep your movements more subtle until you get the hang of it. If you have a male partner, ask him for a thrusting lesson. Doggy-style is a great beginner’s position — it tends to be easiest for thrusting newbies, as it doesn’t require the same level of hip strength. Or you may want to try missionary, where you can focus more on grinding against your partner.

If you’re penetrating a female-bodied person, you may get to play the surprisingly difficult game, “Where’s the Hole?” Before you start feeling like a lost teenager desperately trying to lose their virginity, use your fingers to find the vagina, then guide the dildo there.

Communication is always key when it comes to sex, and strap-on sex is no different. Ask your partner to give you a lot of feedback about what feels good to them. Go nice and slow until you both get the hang of it.

Aftercare

Sometimes strap-on sex can be an emotional experience, for both partners. It may feel really vulnerable to wear a strap-on for the first time. It may feel really vulnerable to have intercourse with a strap-on for the first time. If anything does come up for you, let it come up. Keep checking in with each other throughout, and talk about it afterwards.

On a more logistical level, make sure to clean your gear as soon as possible. Follow the manufacturer instructions for the best method. Keep in mind that if you’re having sex with multiple partners, you’ll need to use a condom with your dildo to prevent STI transmission.

And have fun.