You have problems, I have advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated — in fact, it’s sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.
You have problems, I have advice. This advice isn't sugar-coated -- in fact, it's sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.Read more
This week we have a guy who wants to end things with his sex buddy who seems to think they’re something more.
Keep in mind, I’m not a therapist or any other kind of health professional — just a guy who’s willing to tell it like it is. I simply want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn lives. If for whatever reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here. Now then, let’s get on with it.
I work for a large company and ended up hanging out with a coworker (in a different department) who I eventually had sex with. The kicker, though, is that I’ve never been incredibly into “dating” her. We talked about sex from the beginning and we finally crossed that line. Since then we’ve had sex maybe 10 to 15 times (all of them pretty fantastic by the way), but I can tell that she is leaning toward wanting more. She uses pet names and I don’t. We have only hung out at our apartments — we don’t hang out at work at all — and we’ve never gone on a date. I’ve brought her Starbucks twice… and that’s the extent of it.
I usually skirt the issue and let her know that I’m busy. I text her back but I don’t really initiate the texting, and I’ve slowed down my need for sex with her significantly. But we always end up hanging out when I’m bored on Saturday and having sex anyway. I don’t dislike her company, but when we are done I can tell with her that it is much more than sex.
Even though she has said she’s fine with just sex, I feel like she wants more. It’s been over a year since we first started talking and I’m starting to believe she thinks we are more serious than we are. I’ve never been great about breaking up and so I’m curious what this type of situation requires. Can I text her? A phone call? An in-person awkward conversation? I want to be respectful but I also don’t want it to seem more serious than it is. I feel like if I talk to her in person I’m somewhat acknowledging the “commitment” that I’ve never truly felt.
Not Feeling It
Hey Not Feeling It,
I gotta say, a little communication would have gone a long way in this situation. First off, you should absolutely talk to her in person about ending things. How old are you, dude? You’ve been intimate with this woman at least 10 times over the course of several months, for Pete’s sake! And you’ve been friends — FRIENDS — for over a year! I don’t understand why you don’t think that warrants a face-to-face… What, you can only see her in person if it means you get to bang her? Damn, man, have some empathy.
Talking to her like she’s a person you even remotely care about does not automatically mean you were once committed in a super-serious relationship. Even if it did, you’re looking to end things, so it doesn’t matter. There’s no Serious Relationships Bureau that will note it down on your permanent record. Call her, ask her to meet you somewhere public (not your apartments or where you work), and tell her what’s going on. She might be fine with it ending because she wants something real. She might be a little confused and you’ll have to explain what’s bothering you. Or, OR! You might just find out that you’re not the mega-stud you thought you were, and that she isn’t interested in anything more either.
Maybe she means it when she says “she’s fine with just sex”, maybe the pet names are because she doesn’t want to say your name (or doesn’t want to mix it up with someone else’s), maybe the fact you’ve never gone on a date or been anywhere but your apartments is exactly what she wanted too, maybe the fact that she initiates the texting makes you HER booty call. I’m not saying this is the case, but you’ll never really know until you talk to her about this stuff.
Have you thought about this situation from her perspective at all? Perhaps she’s not this damaged, precious thing that needs anything beyond your “pretty fantastic” lovin’. Either way, man up and talk to her, in person, with your mouth. You’ll be fine, and you’ll have an opportunity to clear the air if there’s any confusion. This what mature, respectful adults do.
The phrase 'scheduled sex' evokes dread for most couples. We have the idea that sex is always supposed to be spontaneous, so making the decision to schedule sex feels like an admission that your sex life is officially dead. But scheduled sex actually be way more fun than you think. Here's how.Read more
Now, before you go, Not Feeling It, I have one more piece of advice. I don’t know what kind of conversations you’ve had, you didn’t say, but if things are actually the way you say they are, you should have been more upfront about the situation right from the get go. You should have said you’re not interested in dating or getting serious because your current timeline of “hanging out > becoming friends > having sex > continuing to do so” sure looks an awful lot like typical dating trajectory. I could see where one might get confused if you weren’t explicitly clear about just being sex buddies.
That’s it for this week! I probably won’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes what you need is some tough love. ‘Til next time, figure things out for yourself.