Fairy Bread Is An Abomination

Image: iStock

Sometimes in life you lack perspective. Sometimes you’re just too close. To the situation, to the person. Sometimes untenable attitudes or ideas become normalised. Like they’ve always existed, like they cannot be questioned.

In cases like these it often takes a fresh set of eyeballs, a rogue outsider. It takes that radical voice in the crowd to shatter the illusion. The emperor has no clothes.

Today I am those eyeballs. Today I am that outsider. Today I am that voice in the crowd.

Australians, far and wide, I am sorry. This is the harsh truth I must bestow upon you. It’s going to be difficult, but you must hear this now.

Fairy Bread is an abomination.

Search your heart. Search your palate. You know it to be true.

Fairy bread. It is bread — white bread for that matter — doused in butter and drowned in sprinkles, a bizarre concoction that is literally sugar, cornstarch and vegetable oil. Australians eat this. Australians celebrate this.

Australians feed this to their children.

The first time I saw Fairy Bread was at a children's birthday party. The fairy bread’s natural habitat. Next to the cupcakes, sandwiched between the red cordial and the party pies.

This is a P-A-R-T-Y situation, I recognise this. A moment for kids to cut loose, snort that pure cane sugar through their nostrils and feel fucking alive. As a parent of two kids under the age of five I would never deny them this carnal pleasure: to eat things that are terrible for them; activate fucked parts of their brain so they can get on that bouncy castle and make it their bitch. I am not the party police.

Image: iStock

But Fairy Bread? Really? Is this what we’re gonna be feeding them? If we’re giving our kids carte blanche to get buck wild in the club we at least owe them a better class of snack. We at least owe them cupcakes or jelly and ice cream. We owe them a Golden Gaytime.

Fairy Bread is trash. It’s bread, which is shit. White bread, which is even worse. It’s bread combined with an otherwise forgettable ice cream topping. For no good reason butter is involved, presumably for its adhesive qualities, which is also overrated because if you’re making Fairy Bread at home you best prepare to be finding sprinkles in your carpet for months to come.

Flavour-wise, Fairy Bread is an odd choice. Nutritionally speaking it’s a bizarre living nightmare from which Australia refuses to wake. I grew up in Scotland, I know all about poor diet choices. From the age of 14 to 20 I drank literally nothing except milk and Irn Bru. We deep fry Mars Bars.

But I am in a unique position. I did not grow up in this cult. My childhood has no trace of Fairy Bread or its influences. My nostalgia is contained to Spectrum 48ks, Trapdoor and Fizzy Dizzlers. Fairy Bread has no power over me. I can bring you this important message and it doesn’t feel like a betrayal of my national identity. Fairy Bread is wrong, it’s a catastrophic, culinary error and that error must be rectified.

I cannot abide. The standard you walk past is the standard you accept. Fairy Bread is an abomination and Australia deserves better.


Comments

    I celebrated my 40th Birthday less than twelve months ago, Fairy bread was on the snack list, fairy bread will be on the snack list for my 41st in a couple of weeks ... you sir are a disgrace and i don't know how you got your citizenship :P

    Fuck you! You are!
    32 year old male proud to say i look forward to taking my daughter to kids parties soley for this amazing cullinary delight.

    Fairy bread is a disgusting abomination to the taste buds, right up there with pineapple on pizza and nutella anything. If you are going to give kids sugar at parties make them chocolate crackles, and frogs in ponds, or jellied cupcakes or lamingtons.

    Party pies, sausage rolls, sandwiches if you must, but never never fairy bread.

    It was something one did when asked to bring a plate and you weren't up to lamingtons.

    My mum would bake a chocolate cake with a hole in it, a toroid shape.

    Yes I remember chocolate crackles and the honey and cornflakes in paper cups.

      Yes I remember chocolate crackles and the honey and cornflakes in paper cups.

      STOP! STOP! STOP!

      [Laud crunch rings out.]

      Dammit! Look what you've done to my hip!

    I'm reporting you to ASIO and the immigration department for un-Australian thoughts. Leave this country now sir before they come for you with the cuffs and the deportation order.

      There is no such thing as ASIO, we don't need one. Americans will tell us what to be scared off through tweets from the president.

    But Fairy Bread? Really? Is this what we’re gonna be feeding them? If we’re giving our kids carte blanche to get buck wild in the club we at least owe them a better class of snack. We at least owe them cupcakes or jelly and ice cream. We owe them a Golden Gaytime.

    What Golden Gaytime? The brand name maybe still about but the product has long been replaced with an undersized, poor imitation!

    Australians feed this to their children.

    Yeap, we sure do. Some grow up to be fantastic surgeons; especially those who specialise in detaching tongues from cheeks.

    :-P

    On a serious note, thanks for the article, @markserrels. With this heat I've been in an irritable mood and this is just the laugh I needed.

    Last edited 09/02/17 8:55 am

    Your not Aussie if you don't like fairy bread...

    In culture as in science and history there is never one view and the perspective is an outcome of the framework in which it analysed. As an outsider you may missed the subtlety of the framework from Australian's analyse party consumption : i.e.: "Eating is cheating". Therefore the nutritional value of anything consumed at a party is quite irrelevant. It then comes down to whatever substances tickle your fancy to , as you rightly say, "activate fucked parts of your brain". As abhorrent as fairy bread is in nutritional principles, its just one of those illegal combinations that taste awesome, a bit like creamed butter and sugar from the uncooked cake mix mmmmmm and its oh so pretty. As one of my children's friends said to ma at preschool party some years ago now..."man dried bananas are not party food and where are the party bags"

    Mark Serrels is obviously an illiterate, un-educated, gutter-dwelling cretin who learned how to push letters on a keyboard, writing about a a children's 'once-in-a-blue-moon' treat using several words relating to sexual intercourse.
    Children do not eat fairy bread all day, every day of their lives.
    I am amazed at Lifehacker allowing the un-interesting jibberish on this site!

    I am now 30 years old, and still don't think it's a party without fairy bread.

    I grew up in Scotland

    Ah well, that explains it. I guess you also don't appreciate Vegemite.

    But what about Hand Crafted Artisinal Fairy Bread ?

      Shoot yerself in the face.
      :P

    we need to have fairy bread as part of the visa program for Australia !

    we need to keep those anti fairy breaders out of our country because they insult a national treasure and im sure do horrible things to monuments

    Right mate, Scotland just made the list at number 8.

    Just want to point out that like a lot of 'Australian' things (beer, pies, loving sport, egalitarianism), fairy bread is neither intrinsically Australian nor are we the best at it. In the Netherlands they have DIFFERENT flavoured sprinkles ("Hagelslag") and they eat it for BREAKFAST.

    That means there are people eating premium fairy bread, hypothetically their entire lives!

    If another country is doing it, and more hardcore then us, then maybe we're not the weird ones.

    Fairy Bread is a must at parties.
    Next, you will be saying we shouldn't eat chip sandwiches.

    You take that back....Take that baaaacccckkkk!!!!!

    Serrels feels like a fight again...

    I say we ban the Scottish accent. It's not real anyway, it's a big put on by cry babies in tweed skirts that cant do anything but whine all day about cultural issues that are beyond their ken.

    Mark,

    During Oz Comic-Con MELBOURNE the Cosplay Central Team lived on "Fairy Bread" on that weekend.

    Is it the best choice NO, but you can always switch out the White Bread for an Artisan Sourdough w/ a Sunflower Oil spread instead of butter or margarine and edible pearls.

      bradley be careful of non fairy bread insurgents that want to dilute the purity of true fairy bread with sourdough or sunflower oil!

      report them to the national fairy bread hotline today!

    Try Dutch (chocolate) sprinkles instead, not less sugar but 10x better tasting! Adults each it too in Holland.

    Seriously?!?!

    In comparison to the fat, salt and sugar filled party staples, like lollies, cakes, chips and soft-drinks, Fairy Bread is almost healthy!!!

    And anyway, It's a party food... Let kids be kids and stop being the "Fun" Police...

    You can feed yours on Kale Slushies if you want but mine can enjoy Fairy Bread at any party they go to...

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