You’ve known her for years, shared both your life and your bed with her. Can it be that you don’t know how she likes being touched?
Editors note: The following advice is aimed primarily at heterosexual males.
You’ve had sex with innumerable women and all of them complemented your performance, so how can it be that your old trick simply doesn’t work on your new partner?
First of all, don’t stress. You are not alone. A high percentage of the men around you, those who navigate so easily on road trips, are jaw-droppingly embarrassed when it comes to small yet important things such as finding the G spot. What to do? What men always do: open a map, read a guide, and get there.
Here’s some advice to those of you who are feeling lost.
Penetrating deeply and strongly is not necessarily the right answer!
If you’ve thought that good sex means penetrating as deeply and strongly as possible or lasting a long time, you need to rethink your approach. When the end of the man’s penis enters the vagina, one centimeter or even less, it stimulates the woman and encourages wetness in the vagina. When you penetrate in one thrust and start forcefully performing the motions of intercourse, you are just causing pain. You mustn’t penetrate too fast, too deep, or too strong immediately.
The conclusion is that if it hurts, you don’t penetrate. You change your style, avoid penetration, and perform a different kind of sexual activity. If the pains persist, we recommend that you seek professional advice.
Clitoral stimulation may be more important than penetration itself
Not all men are familiar with the woman’s anatomy – and some don’t know where the clitoris is. A man who came for consultancy told me that he was making great efforts when giving his wife oral sex but she felt nothing. It seemed that he was convinced that oral sex means penetrating with your tongue as deep as possible, to replace the function of the penis. He was looking for the clitoris inside her.
The female orgasm is a series of convulsions in the area which is close to the vaginal opening, the external third of the vagina and womb. Most women reach an orgasm by stimulating the clitoris. Penetration, for them, is a pleasant addition, but in and of itself it won’t bring them to an orgasm. Men who are not aware of this might think that there is something wrong with these women and say things such as ‘how can it be that all my girlfriends had an orgasm by penetration, and only you don’t’. These sayings are very common.”
Stimulating the clitoris during penetration can only be possible by direct (masturbation) or indirect touch (for example, a position in which the clitoris is stimulated by another organ). Many women report that when they are on top of the man – in other words sitting on their partner – their clitoris is being stimulated by the pelvis of their partner, which assists them in reaching an orgasm. In this position, the clitoris can be stimulated by the partner’s or by her own fingers.
So what’s the deal with that G-spot?
Everybody’s talking about it, everybody is searching for it, and yet – most of us are lost on the way to it. the G-spot is located somewhere in the vagina. You are supposed, at the very least, to show some interest in it. Since you probably won’t stop someone on the street and ask for directions, here are some tips!
The female G-spot is located on the upper side of the vagina (near the stomach, not the back), on the external third of the vagina, meaning – by the opening to the vagina, not deeper inside. It’s about the size of a coin, and some women report that stimulating it provides them with a most pleasant orgasm.
The G-spot has brought back the issue of size (or more correctly – width), which lost its glory when it was thought that orgasm was possible only by stimulating the clitoris. For a woman to enjoy touch and stimulation of the G-spot, the width of the penis is definitely important. The wider it is, the more pressure it can put on the spot during intercourse. It is also true that the width of a finger is more than enough, but a finger can do many things which the penis can’t, such as aiming at the exact location with exact amount of pressure.
If it can reassure you, not all women reach an orgasm by stimulation of the G-spot. But just in case, here is a simple way to locate it: first, ask your partner to go pee, so that she will be calmer. Now, ask her to lie on her back, penetrate her vagina with your finger, and do a movement as if motioning “come here.”
The G-spot is generally located about four centimeters into the vagina, on the front side, that is, on the upper side of it. The location is not the same for every woman. For some it might be a bit more toward the entrance, for others a bit deeper. For some it might be a little to the right, and others a bit to the left. If she lies on her back and her navel is at 12 o’clock, the G-spot will probably be more or less between 11 and 1 o’clock.
The area in which the G-spot is located is important during intercourse. There is almost no possibility of reaching it during sex, only manually or using a vibrator with a 90-degree tickler.
In the common missionary position (the woman underneath the man), the penis slides in and passes by the G-spot with no significant stimulation. But in order to improve performance the woman can lay on her back and the man kneel on the bed before her as she places her legs on his shoulders. Then, the G-spot might be better stimulated.
In the position of the woman on top of the man, there is also a better stimulation of the G-spot. The stimulation can be even more significant with the woman on her hands and knees, or when the man is sitting on the edge of the bed and the woman sits on his lap with her back to him. The spooning position (when both partners are on their sides and the woman’s back is toward the man) is also great for stimulating the G-spot. But the truth is that manually is usually the best.
Female ejaculation is a real thing
Here is a surprise for some of you: women can ejaculate too. Some women report that when they reach an orgasm, and during that they ejaculate a large quantity of whitish liquid. Don’t worry – everything is fine with them and with you. They didn’t pee on the bed, they are simply enjoying it.
Some men are upset by the sudden wetness and gushing, thinking it is urine. That is not urine. The estimation is that alongside the female urethra there are glands, a remnant of the male prostate, which secrete a large quantity of whitish liquid during orgasm. Some women say, ‘I ejaculate as much as a man describes his orgasm and ejaculation.’ If your partner is ejaculating, you should be happy, because for some women it’s quite the opposite, with dryness that makes penetration very difficult and pleasant intercourse impossible.
‘But every other woman loved it!’
You sucked her nipples and she jumped like a snake bit her? You don’t understand why, because with your ex it was the winning card. But that’s just the point: women are not only different from men, but also not all women like the same things.
A man should get a good understanding of what works for his specific partner, and not tell her that everybody enjoyed what he did to them in the past, so why doesn’t she? Each woman has her own desires. If you touch your partner’s clitoris in a manner that is unpleasant for her, you will continue sweating and she will be busy thinking “when is he going to be done already?!”
How do you know? You talk. An open and honest discussion can tell you things you didn’t know about her before. Don’t be ashamed about asking (and saying) what is pleasant and what is not, how exactly to touch. Every woman should be discovered from scratch. One might have loved being pleasured by oral sex, but the other might be disgusted by it. And if she says she won’t enjoy it – she knows what she is saying.
Changing preferences might also occur during different periods in life. Your partner, in the past, might have loved having her nipples touched but suddenly she says they are sensitive. Don’t be stubborn. Not only will it not pleasure her, it might also cause here to have a negative approach and even to suffer.
Dr. Zuckerman is a consultant for the Between Us Clinic, which provides an online home exercise program for treating premature ejaculation.
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