The first day of April is always a difficult 24 hours to navigate if you want to avoid being tripped up by some zany product or service announcement from the likes of Google, Microsoft or, as we’ve seen today, Uncle Tobys and James Squire. To help you stay ahead of the game, we’ve selected the delicious (and not-so-delicious) fake stuff and put it all in the one place.
Turns out, a fair few local companies are adept leg-pullers, so you’ll see a mix of international and Australian gags below. Now, let’s get started…
Lubricate Your Facial Hair With James Squire
Everyone knows how hard it is to keep that hipster beard in check, so why not try a bit of James Squire’s “Brewer Dry Hopped Beard Oil” to tame that mane. As the company’s Facebook page explains, the oil “has been carefully dry hopped using Simcoe and Citra late in the emulsification process by a heavily bearded and tattooed brewer, so you know it’s good”.
We’ll, uh, take your word for it.
Unlock Your PC With Stack Overflow’s Funky Junky
Stack Overflow’s fancy new security system “Dance Dance Authentication”
Google Pacs It Up
Just hit up Google Maps
Google Gnome Questions Your Existence
Meet the Google Gnome, the outdoor companion to the Google Home
USB-Powered Gaming, Courtesy Of NVIDIA
concocted the world’s cutest dongle
Yellow Octopus’ Danger Ranger: GPS And DNA, Together At Last
so why not just avoid them with Yellow Octopus’ “Danger Ranger”
A “Dangerous Wildlife GPS Scanner”, the Ranger is essentially a Star Trek-style tricorder packed with “67 DNA profiles of dangerous creatures”. With its “quad helix” antenna and 16-hour battery life, you’ll never have to worry about getting unintentionally romantic with a king cobra again! Which is a tricky thing to do in the first place, considering they’re not native to Australia.
Pets Are People Too, Says Amazon
It’s Amazon to the rescue with “Petlexa”, the Alexa substitute
The Melbourne International Comedy Festival’s Manufactured Gags
Despite the fact such an invention would likely go against the MICF’s best interests, it’s pretty keen on the metallic joke-slinger, which uses facial recognition software and “stochastic modelling” to come up with its material. I’m guessing it also has a backup mode where it relies on Rodney Dangerfield’s stuff if the crowd’s a bit on the chilly side.
Unlocking The Secrets Of Oat Power With Uncle Tobys
Allure Media’s own Mark Serrels will never have to eat a spoonful of oats
By harnessing “the natural oat energy source” that “creates a thick oat puree which generates a superior reaction”, the batteries promise clean, renewable energy for all your appliances and if you’re brave enough, your stomach too. OK, so they’re probably not edible, but that has more to do with the fact that they don’t exist.
OnePlus Enters The Energy Drink Business
“Back in my day, you were expected to get married, buy a house, and sleep for 8 hours each night. Now I see sleep was a lie created to sell sleep aids and special mattresses. Thank you, Dash. You have changed a life.”
…how could you resist this specially-formulated miracle tonic? There’s even a bizarre ad to go with it!
Ford Australia’s ‘Active Thanks Assist’ Tech
being able to express emotions via your car’s rear window
There’s also “Active Sorry Assist” for when you cut someone off, but no “Active Middle Finger Assist” when it goes the other way. Still working on that one, I suppose.
National Geographic Offers Animals A Thread Of Hope
It’s about time animal photographers treated their subjects with dignity. All these “natural” shots are utterly uncouth in 2017. As such, National Geographic has declared it will no longer publish “nude animal pictures”. Instead, enjoy this super-cute clothed still from a simpler era, more of which can be found at Neo Geo.
Netflix Live, Making The Ordinary… More Ordinary
With nothing but a gravely-voiced Will Arnett and the taglineseelive
The gist? Arnett narrates everyday life.
eHarmony Australia Combines Physics With The Physical
literal approach to the attraction game by adding “magnetism” to its dating apps
I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream With Contiki Australia
soon provide tours personally tailored by “Artificial Intelligence Trip Managers”, or ATITA
ING DIRECT Debuts My First Forgery
According to ING, it’s also compatible with the likes of Android Pay and Apple Pay. Committing overt felonies has never been easier!
Moshi, Breaking Universal Constants
Forget USB Hi-Speed or SuperSpeed — why not try Moshi’s Speed of Light?every single computer problem
Sausage Refunds For All, Thanks To ME Bank
All you have to do is tap ME’s Snag debit card on your barbecued meat tube
Old School, Yoyo Fun With Virgin Mobile
Not only do you assure the safety of your mobile, but you can twirl it around while you wait for the bus. Is it a good idea? That depends on how much disposable income you have.
Taste The Bicarbonate With RedBalloon
company’s exclusive “Water Tasting Masterclass”check out the Pokemon Day Tour
My personal favourite however is the Naked Paintball, if only for the gag-filled product page, which includes such witticisms as “unlimited balls” under the supplies section. Above and below body armour is also provided, which while necessary, would mostly cancel out the naked part.
Deliveroo / Huxtaburger, Your Beach Burger Specialists
food delivery service Deliverooup
My only question: How does the poor delivery guy get back to the restaurant-post airdrop? Someone certainly isn’t skipping leg day.
Houzz, Blowing Up Unsightly Couches Since 2017
Home improvement site Houzz has supplemented its mobile app with augmented reality munitions
The Great Reddit Experiment
If you hit up /r/place
Unfortunately, in typical internet style, Wally now has his own, uh, little Wally. Cool?
Move Over Glad Wrap, Try Primo Smallgoods’ Bacon Wrap
Sure, it’s terrible for protecting your food and will actually attract pests to your picnic, but doesn’t it look scrumptious?
Samurai Punk Announces Screencheat 2… For the N-Gage
No idea what the N-Gage is? Best to change “is” to “was”; the gadget died a fast, horrible death many years ago.
GrabOne NZ Providing Discounts On One Tree Hill’s Zipline
I get the impression some interested parties thought this was an actual thing, given the massive April Fools’ warning. Obviously, clicking the “Buy” button immediately takes you to a page revealing the joke.
Travel Insurance Direct, Helping You Avoid Bad Tattoo Decisions
If you don’t want to bother with the app, Google Translate should do the job just as well.
Smell Like A Rabbit With Ubisoft’s New Odour
Fair enough, but it’s no Sex Panther.
Travelodge Dreams Of Bacon
For everyone who can’t afford this personal touch, you’ll have to make do with bacon-emitting alarms, courtesy of Sensorwake. Actually, Sensorwake’s olfactory alarms are a real thing, though they don’t appear to provide bacon as an option. Chocolate, toast and espressos yes, charred ham, no.
Drop The Bass On Your Foot With Master & Dynamic
Weighing 4.81kg, they’re the epitome of comfort, but only if you’re the bulkiest member of the Fantastic Four. Can’t say how successfully they’ll be with non-superheroes, but you have to experiment. As M&D CEO Jonathan Levine explains:
“Master & Dynamic has consistently chosen the road less travelled. As of today, that road is paved with concrete.”
Pornhub’s Nasty Social Surprise
To trigger this message, all you had to do was click on one of the site’s salacious videos and well, you’d soon be scrambling for the power cable, or even just a small cupboard to contemplate the possibility of deleting yourself from reality.
Fortunately for all involved, it was just a joke, but you might want to double check you’re in Incognito Mode next time… just in case.
Nab The Deal Of The Century With The Wikipedia Humble Bundle
Pay anything from a dollar to thousands and you too will be granted access to this illustrious online repository of information. With over five million articles spanning thousands of topics, what’s not to like?
World of Tanks Goes To Mars
when you could be shooting shells on a completely different planet
Google Wind Controls Clouds… With The Cloud
literalAs the video puts it