Dear Lovehacker, Let me preface this by saying I am not an attractive man. And I mean that in all senses. I’m fat, ugly, self-loathing, milquetoast, and have absolutely no confidence. I’m in my mid 30s and have long ago (mostly) made peace with the fact that I will never have a fulfilling love or sex life.
So anyway I met “L” a few years ago and we became close friends. Smart, funny, sweet, kind and beautiful. She also has a fiancé, “J”, who’s a pretty great guy and I regularly hang out with both of them. (You can see where this is going, right?)
At first I crushed on her hard, but I’ve gone through the whole fall for an unattainable woman thing before, with predictable and unfortunate results, so I quickly let those feelings go and made sure to only think of her as a friend. She didn’t make it easy because she’s a very touchy-feely person and I’m not accustomed to the casual touch of attractive women, but I persevered. When she and J got married, I had a blast at their wedding, made a fool of myself on the dance floor, and was genuinely happy for them.
L had mentioned several times that she thought I was good looking, often loudly to friends and complete strangers alike. She even told me once that if she had met me before J, things may have gone differently. I always just thought she was just saying stuff like that to try to boost of my self-esteem.
Cut to the other night. I went to a buddy’s house for game night. L and J were there too. At the gaming table I sat next to L with J on the other side of her. Beer was flowing generously, though I was the only one not drinking. At one point my buddy’s cat jumped on to my lap. I petted him for a bit and so did L. Eventually her hand slid off the cat and onto my thigh. At first I thought the alcohol had made her extra touchy-feely, but then after the cat jumped off, her hand slowly moved up my leg. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. She slipped her hand underneath my shirt and started raking her nails across my back and side. And it felt good. Really good. I had no idea I was into that kinda thing. Look at me learning about myself. Anyway, her turn comes around and she retrieves her hand much to my relief and disappointment.
A little while later we all decide to take a to pause the game for snacks and restrooms. It’s customary for L and I to take a smoke break during these pauses. We stepped out, but instead of standing on the back porch in front of the sliding glass door like usual, she walked to the side of the house away from doors and windows and prying eyes. I followed but kept my distance, and asked her what was going on. She was evasive and wouldn’t directly answer any of my questions. Instead she asked me if I’ve ever had a woman take control, and then pressed her body to me. My previous train of thought derailed, and I instinctively put my arms around her and held her tight. We were millimetres from kissing, but then I had a sudden thought of J inside the house not 15m away. It was difficult as hell, but I pulled away. She was grinning.
We went back inside, and the rest of the night passed quickly. She would sneak in a touches and gropes whenever she could. I could have stopped her, but I didn’t, and I liked it. At the end of the night, as the three of us were walking out together, a very drunk J realised he forgot his jacket and ran back inside. The moment he turned his back, she quickly drew me in and licked my cheek. Turns out I don’t find that hot. More learning there. But the intention was clear. Then we parted ways.
So, yeah, I have no idea what to do now. I mean I know I should try to get some answers from her, but I’m not sure how to go about it. Her friendship very is important to me, and I don’t want to damage it. And I definitely don’t want anyone else to get hurt. Maybe it was a one time thing. Perhaps she was just teasing me, and so long as I don’t bring it up, it won’t be an issue. Or maybe they’re opening up their relationship and she wanted to test the waters. Probably wishful thinking on my part.
But what if she simply wants to have an extramarital affair behind her husband’s back? I’ve made so many mistakes through inaction in my life, maybe just this once I should do something wrong on purpose, eyes open. I will never have the chance to be with a woman this gorgeous again. I could live in the moment as hard as I can, then bear with inevitable disastrous fallout.
And that, of course, is a terrible idea. So I guess my question is, if I find myself in a situation with her that is heading for a place I know is wrong, but every cell in my body demands I go with it, how do I generate the willpower to say no? Greater men than I fail at this all the time. Thank you, Discombobulated
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Dear Discombobulated,
Hoo boy, I’m glad you’ve written to me before you’ve done anything, because right now you’re on the path to sticking your dick in a buzzsaw. Not that I don’t doubt that the sex would be great and she’s an amazing person, but the likely fallout would be far worse than you realise.
Now in general, I don’t believe that sex necessarily ruins a friendship, but in this case, we’re talking about consequences that go beyond just the two of you.
Let’s game this out a little so you understand where I’m coming from here. You hook up with her. In all likelihood, she does not have an arrangement with her husband for a little off-leash time which means that she’s just cheated on her husband with you.
If and when this comes to light, then you will have seriously hurt J, someone who trusts you and who has been a friend to you. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do to somebody you think is a great guy.
Then there’s the fact that you have overlapping social circles. This is the sort of gossip that shoots through like wildfire and people will have very strong opinions about who was in the right and who was in the wrong. You will more than likely find a whole bunch of your friends do not appreciate you being instrumental in damage to L and J’s relationship.
Now let’s say that through all of this, L and J manage to pull through L’s infidelity and make things work. One of the things that would almost certainly be part of their reconciliation is ensuring that she wouldn’t make the same mistake again. That means never seeing you again… which in turn would likely mean you being exiled from the social circles where they are fairly prominent.
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That’s more than just ruining a friendship, that’s ruining many friendships, potentially a marriage and needlessly hurting more than a few people in the process.
And let’s say that, unbeknownst to you she’s having problems with J. Then you’re less a sex partner and more the hammer she’s dropping on his nuts. Trust me: the sex ain’t worth it if you can’t live with yourself afterwards.
Now, odds are that she was drunk and feeling a bit horny and she decided that maybe a little naughty fun was in order. Even so: that’s the sort of behaviour that can strain any friendship, especially when the potential fallout is pretty damn immense.
So what do you do? Well to start with, I’d say jerk off. Horniness has a tendency to suck all the blood away from your brain and suddenly your balls get veto power over the rest of your decision-making process. It’s a lot harder for your dick to make stupid decisions when your brain isn’t floating in a pool of sexual frustration.
Next, you lay down some boundaries with L. You tell her, “Hey, I don’t know what was up with the other night, but that made me really uncomfortable. I like you, but you’re married to J and the way you were acting made me feel awkward around both of you. I don’t appreciate being teased and I don’t want to end up being part of a problem between the two of you.”
Now the ball’s in her court. She may pretend she doesn’t remember; you pretend to believe her. Same with if she says it was a joke, you were mistaken or any other variation of “it never happened.” Just go with it. Being “right” in this case is less important than making it clear that you don’t appreciate being put in that position.
And then… let it drop. If she’s as cool a person as you say, she’ll realise a line was nearly crossed and be careful not to do it again. If she gets a little buzzed and handsy again… well, put some distance between the two of you, make sure you’re not left alone together and try to avoid hanging out with her when alcohol is involved.
I realise what you want is incredibly powerful, especially when it drops into your lap and starts to wriggle. In other circumstances, I’d tell you to go for it. And who knows, maybe in the future circumstances will be different. But right now, if you did give in, you’d regret it far more than you’d enjoy it. Trust me: I have been there, done that and printed the t-shirts.
As hard (fnar) as it is, maintaining some boundaries is the best thing you can do here.
Good luck.
Lovehacker is a weekly relationship and sex column where our resident Agony Aunt answers your questions. Need help? Drop a comment below or email [email protected].
This story originally appeared on Kotaku.
Harris O’Malley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr NerdLove.
Comments
8 responses to “Lovehacker: My Friend’s Hot Wife Just Made A Move On Me”
Why is this even under consideration? This is a massive betrayal of trust. If you want to find the willpower to resist, imagine what it would be like if you and the husband reversed roles and it was your wife trying to cheat with one of your close and trusted friends. It’s called empathy, it’s not fucking hard.
Slightly harshly put. But I agree with the sentiment entirely.
I thought I was maybe a little harsh, but you see when he’s tossing up the pros and cons he’s only thinking about himself:
Aside from a token “I don’t want to hurt anyone” earlier, he seems to only see how doing this would be to his own benefit or detriment, he doesn’t seem to consider what it would do to the husband at all. So fuck that and fuck him, harsh is appropriate here.
Option B. See if they’re interested in a 3 some…
This has been the second time I’ve suggested this on one of these Articles, seriously, why is this not a consideration?! lol
You haven’t said if you have a girlfriend. If you do, maybe suggest a foursome. If you’re not comfortable with that, pay a visit to a sex worker and imagine she’s L while doing it. Way better than jacking off IMO.
Also, if you can, visit a high end escort. It might cost you a few hundred bucks but that’ll be way cheaper than carrying a lifetime of emotional burden when shit hits the fan (which is inevitable in this case).
I would be worried ‘J’ reads this as too much detail in your story is a give away
Wait until you get home though. At the very least, leave the table first, otherwise you’re going to ruin games night for everyone.
Hey Discombobulated, I really hope you’re reading this because I am on the other (shitty) side of a rather similar situation to what you just described, and I promise you that it’s not worth it. Take the following as what I wish someone had told me a while ago:
It’s not news to you in any way that your opinion of yourself is pretty low, and I’m sure you have your reasons for that, but the barrel you’re staring down has the potential to make it even lower.
You sound intelligent and caring, but your low self esteem will sabotage your better nature if you let it.
I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong about your negative points or try to bullshit you into feeling better about yourself; but I can pretty much guarantee that you don’t have perspective on what others like about you – your positive attributes – and I have proof:
She made moves on you.
You should take that as something nice for your ego, enjoy the fact that this woman you perceive to be a total babe has some attraction to you and leave it at that.
You may never be the person that you want to be, you won’t ever cure every fault that you perceive in yourself, but you can make moves toward feeling better about yourself and maybe even one day be completely okay with who you are. You have an opportunity here to take a massive stride toward that – so be the man you want to be. Speak to her honestly about her behaviour, get to the bottom of it if you have to and she wants to, but do not lay a hand on her. You won’t be ‘missing out’ on anything. If she is interested in you then I guarantee that there are other, unattached, babes out there who will feel the same about you.
No matter how tight you are with this girl, how special she is to you, how deeply you feel she gets you, no matter how amazing the sex might be (and it won’t be, because it will be inherently dishonest), no matter how unique the connection feels, how much value you she brings to your existence and how much of an ego boost you get from being her friend, I guaran-fucking-tee that all of that will disappear if you act on this in any way other than to straighten her the fuck out.
She is not treating you or her partner right. Whatever she is up to, she needs to sort shit out with her boyfriend first and foremost. Even if by some miracle they are in some kind of open relationship, by not being honest about her behaviour, by not promptly communicating with you clearly and openly and explaining herself, she treated you with disrespect. She is acting like a creep. She got handsy with you while sitting next to her boyfriend, your friend, and totally fucked with your and his trust. If she had to hide her behaviour then it’s 99.9% likely that he would not be cool with it, so she has already started making a mess.
She knows you find her attractive, and knows that you are more of a catch than you rate yourself, and it makes her feel good to have this special guy that she can give value to while having her own ego boosted. She is insecure. That doesn’t make her a bad person, but she is acting like a fool.
If you want to keep her friendship and positive feelings toward you then be a man about this and show your integrity. You could be the friend who saved her relationship, and she will either thank you and admire you forever, or promptly get her shallow insecure self out of your life, both of which are great outcomes. If you give in to her games you will lose her respect. No matter how unfair it feels, after the dust has settled you will be the guy that fucked up their relationship. You will have lost friends, self-respect and integrity, and your self esteem will be even lower. Don’t be that guy. Don’t be me.
A bit late to the party, but had to add my own voice to this thread, seeing as I also have the horribly unfortunate hindsight that (the most appropriately named) id, sadly, does. I was going through an awful time in my life when I found myself in a very similar situation. I wish somebody (and I did reach out for advice at the time as you have done – but to people who knew me) had slapped me about the head and made me wise-up to the full picture. In my case, we had both fallen in love – I loved her so very much…thought I had discovered my true soulmate – and she wanted to make a go of it. But her partner was my best friend – someone I also loved like a brother and respected deeply; they were both virtually family to me. So the guilt and realisation (yes…regrettably it took some time to wake up to my stupid self) that even though he didn’t know, I had betrayed him – betrayed them both – in the worst way was too much to bear. I decided to leave town, made it seem to her like that love was gone or never really there. Then not long after found myself on the precipice of suicide… He soon found out and it quickly exploded the social bonds of our friendship circles into fragments. I’ll never forgive myself for going down that path. I always prided myself on decent moral judgement and being a ‘good guy’, so for a long, long time I felt like I didn’t know myself – or rather, that I didn’t know who that guy that had such a lapse of character was. Everyone giving advice here is right: don’t act on those feelings.