Lovehacker: My Cuckolding Wife Still Wants Me To Be Her Slam Piece

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Dear Lovehacker, my wife and partner of 15 years has left me for a guy she met online in the MSN days. But she wants me to stay living in the house to fulfill her needs. She has been talking to him on and off for the entirety of our relationship and has secretly flown out to see him when I've been away.

I want to stay for my kids and give them the closest thing to a normal life as possible. And I still love her, but I guess she doesn't feel the same. Should I leave? Thanks, H.

Hey H,

The fact that MSN was the primary delivery method of this kind of betrayal feels like a long con with a side serving of "fuck you". Holy shit.

This isn't the first time Lovehacker has talked about cheating. We examined it last week from a somewhat unique perspective. We've even covered how it can effect social groups before. But this is completely different.

This wasn't a slip up or momentary lapse in judgement. This was careful and calculated behaviour that lasted for 15 years. You built a life together and created two humans.

And she doesn't seem to have any fucks to give.

Not only did she dump you, she had the lady balls to ask for some live-in side D because the guy she left you for lives interstate. That is a level of selfishness and entitlement so abhorrent that an adequate word to describe it doesn't exist yet.

I get that emotions must be running high right now. You can't just turn off your feelings for someone, even if they hurt you so acutely. But that's exactly why you need to dig deep and utilise one simple, but powerful word - no.

Let's get real. You're not going to win her back by agreeing to those terms. And Christ, do you really want to? She has already proven how little empathy she holds for you. Letting her treat you like her own personal stud horse will only make it easier for her to justify her behaviour. If you don't respect yourself right now she sure as hell won't. Show her that her actions have consequences.

I also wonder if her new man knows about this attempted arrangement? Would he be cool with it now that they've allegedly gone legit? If she had no qualms lying to her husband for 15 years, I seriously doubt she would be above lying to him. I can imagine it now - "Don't worry, baby. He's just staying here until we work out what to do about the kids."

Speaking of which, I absolutely sympathise about wanting to keep things as normal as possible for your children.

But honestly, what's normal about their parents living together even though mummy is cyber banging some random who she has to fly out to see? If they don't know already, they're going to pick up on the tension and toxicity between you two eventually. That could be more damaging in the end. Staying together for the kids isn't always the best choice.

I'm sure there's an element of fear there too though. You may be worried that leaving would result in seeing them less. That's a supremely unfair position to be in, but you may need to accept that as a possibility. Regardless of the outcome of this situation, your job is to be the best dad you can be to them.

If you do choose to stay, even if it's just to work this shitstorm out, just focus on the kids. Don't make it about her at all. Make it very clear that if she wants things to be over, she ain't getting any from you. She'll have to make do with eggplant emojis.

You may eventually decide that its best to leave. I don't know what your financial situation is like, but that can be a significant hurdle in regards to both divorce, custody and moving out. Be sure to research and plan. I'm by no means an expert on this, but you do have options if you want to look into it. You may find these links helpful as a jumping off point:

Lovehacker is a weekly relationship and sex column where our resident Agony Aunt answers your questions. Need help? Drop a comment below or email [email protected].


Comments

    He would probably get custody in a divorce because of the wife's behaviour, then he could throw her out of the house.

    It sounds as if she assumes that she has all the rights and control and can order him around. He may have to learn more than just the ability to say 'no'.

      Bingo. Although it would be preferable to amass as much evidence as possible before the hearing, given that "scorned" partners have a bad habit of using custody as punishment.
      The quicker and cleaner it's handled, the better.

      Side note: Given the length of the affair, one wonders whether the kids are his... Not that it really matters in the end, he's the only father they've ever known and that's what counts.

        @jacrench I wondered this also. But as the affair seemed to be primarily online, albeit with a few trips here and there, I'm at least hoping they're his. He certainly didn't bring paternity up as a concern. And like you said, he considers them to be his regardless and vice versa.

    The best advice this guy could get is to seek professional help. Both a lawyer and a psychologist. It's not that I disagree with any specific part of the advice given, but he has been hurt and manipulated and probably a shadow of his rational self. Anyone one looking from the outside can make suggestions about what actions to take, and most would be reasonable and have reasonable supporting arguments. My guess this guy is finding very hard to action what he might think is best even if he works that out. That's where he needs the professional help to give not only guidance on what to do but also the confidence to carry it out.

    One bit of important advice: do not move out before consulting a lawyer.

    Really, really great advice from LH here. Nice to see this one so on the money, especially for what's clearly a very emotionally disturbing situation.

    My two cents
    1: Don't be D on the side, that's beneath you.
    2. Move to a separate room.
    3. Reassure the kids that you and your ex (yes call her what she is) still love them.
    4. Inform your ex that both of you need to sit down and discuss the separation of finances and property.
    5. Find out if she is moving down there or is the new guy coming up. If she goes down there, will you allow the children to go? Most Aust states don't allow a parent to move interstate with the children without permission.
    6. If she is going to take the kids and you don't agree, you should seek family law court advice pronto.
    The main thing is dont shag her, ever again......ever.

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