We have shared takes on long distance relationships, renting your first apartment, buying a house, getting married, becoming a parent and getting divorced. All of those pale in comparison to the most difficult thing any of us do in this life: attend high school.
Your Hairstyle Will Change Everyone’s Opinion Of You
Your parents and teachers have told you that your looks don’t matter. Let me tell you, one time I tried a new hair style by spiking my hair with some of my mum’s hair mousse and I can confirm that in high school your appearance is very important.
I blame Brad Pitt’s hair in Seven for this. I’m not sure who I tricked into letting me watch that movie to begin with, but my main takeaway was that I liked the wet dog look Pitt was sporting in the movie and my solution to getting it for myself was raiding my mum’s hair styling products, putting some mousse in my hair, then running my hand through it.
The end result was a rock solid clump of hair that looked more like Ace Ventura than Brad Pitt.
When I showed up to school with my moussed up hair, a girl who I didn’t know had a crush on me looked at with wide eyes, then said, “What on Earth did you do to your hair?” Later that day her friend told me that the hairdo changed her opinion of me. The crush was gone.
That was a hard lesson, but one I’m glad I learned early on: don’t try changing your hairdo unless you’re willing to deal with the repercussions.
Do Not Experiment With Those Cool Tight Jeans
At one point in year seven I decided that my cargo pants were stupid and decided I wanted to start wearing jeans. I was really into cowboys at the time so I found some cool tight jeans that I thought made me look like I belonged in The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.
I showed up to school in my cool new tight jeans and I was very excited to show them off. As I was walking up the stairs to my locker in the morning, this girl, Katie said, “Nice cowboy pants,” in a very sarcastic tone. The sarcasm crushed me.
The day didn’t get any better from there. For what are now obvious reasons, tight pants on a middle school boy are bad news in every respect and by the end of the day I decided to never wear my cool new jeans again.
It’s Normal That John Smells Like a Subway Sandwich
If you play sports in high school, you’re going to smell some weird smells. After a few games of basketball, John always smelled like Subway. That’s not because he ate Subway for lunch, it’s because body odour smells like Subway.
It’s OK though. Now that you’re in high school, it’s time to invest in some deodorant. It doesn’t matter which deodorant you buy, just buy something. Everyone around you will appreciate it.
You’re Not Going to Actually Dance at the Formal
In high school, you’ll be invited to a dance or two. Perhaps you’ll even have a date. Regardless, you will not actually dance at this dance, so stop getting your hopes up and don’t bother to learn the moves to “This Is How We Do It.”
A high school dance is nothing more than a standoff. Girls on one side, boys on the other. Some people will have the guts to dance. Others might start walking over to ask someone to dance, but when they’re halfway there they will turn around in shame.
Here’s the thing though, the best possible result is just as weird and awkward as standing in the corner and talking to your friends. If you do get the guts to ask someone to dance, the best you’ll get is two people awkwardly swaying to some random slow song the DJ decides to play.
Trust me, skipping that and talking with your friends about how you’d improve Altered Beast by making the jumping work like it does in Super Mario Bros. is a much better use of your time.