One of the most annoying aspects of voting at the federal election is the throngs of party faithful handing out how-to-vote cards. On the big day, 99.9 per cent of the population has already decided who its going to vote for, yet the volunteers are still out in force, foisting colourful sheets of paper on anyone who crosses their path. Here are some tactics to wind them up for pushing their party's agenda and wasting your time.
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We get it. The volunteers who congregate outside election polling booths are just trying to push their favoured political party across the line. But that doesn't make it any less annoying. Exercising your democratic right should not involve having to wade through a relentless onslaught of upthrust cards and pamphlets. It's an infuriating first world problem that even a free sausage sandwich can't make up for.
You generally have two options in this situation: either keep your head down and your hands jammed firmly in their pockets, or sheepishly accept every brochure that gets pointed in your direction. Alternatively, you could be a complete jerk and do one of the following:
#1 Proudly admit you intend to cast a donkey vote
For extra jerk points, accept their how-to-vote card first and make a big show of studying the numbered boxes before making your proclamation.
#2 Run past with a finger jammed in each ear screaming "la-la-la-la-la!"
It's not subtle, but it gets the point across.
#3 Shake everybody's hand with your palms covered in tap water
If there's a public toilet in view, make sure they see you exiting it first.
#4 Loudly insist that your vote is going to a non-existent candidate
'Throatwobbler Mangrove' perhaps. Or 'Incontinentia Buttocks'.
#5 Dress up like a hippie college student and accept every how-to-vote card except the Greens
Stereotyping is bad, except when it involves hippie college students.
#6 Just leave the poor blighters be
It's a thankless task but we all have to fill our days somehow. Just smile and decline their cards gracefully.