Christmas is fun. Ruining Christmas is a bad idea. But let’s just say you really want to ruin Christmas, because you’re a terrible person. Here are some of the best ways…
Drunk Santa picture from Shutterstock
Insist On Talking About Politics At The Dinner Table
If people try and change the subject don’t let them. And make sure to really go hard with that racist Uncle.
Get Obnoxiously Drunk
You can’t go wrong with this one.
Tell Your Relatives What You Really Think Of Them
You’ve been holding back for years. Bugger it, it’s Christmas. Let your tongue wag free.
Rewrap The Present You Got Last Year And Give It Back To The Person Who Gave It To You
You have to play this one straight though. Don’t play it off as a joke. Pretend it’s a mistake and be really embarrassed and surprised when you get called on it.
Get Pissed Off At A Present You Received
Be really noisy and angry. Channel your inner child. You got the wrong coloured bike and you’re shitty as hell.
Play The Mariah Carey Christmas Album. Over And Over Again.
Or you could play one of these playlists.
Argue And Break Up Publicly With Your Partner
This will also work.
Dress Up As Santa For The Kids And Screw It Up Real Bad
Like accidentally remove the beard or something. Just be terrible.
Tell The Kids Santa Isn’t Real
Provide irrefutable proof. Call their parents out for the dirty liars they are.
Break The Children’s Toys
Bring A Really Complicated Board Game And Insist That Everyone Plays It
“It takes an hour to set up and lasts four hours, but you’re gonna LOVE IT.”
Lecture Everyone On The True Meaning Of Christmas
Don’t let these people forget about Jesus. REMIND THEM NOISILY AND CONSTANTLY.
Bring A List Of Last-Minute, Very Specific Eating Requirements
Yes, I’m a vegan now and I only eat gluten free foods. Also: I’m allergic to egg-nog for some reason.
Or Just Criticise The Food
This is a fine line. I recommend a slow build. Just niggling little comments on absolutely everything. Play the long game. Play innocent when someone gets upset. “Oh I’m sorry, you worked really hard on that roast and it was so dry, flat and flavourless. You’ll do better next year! I have faith in you!”
Spoil Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Because fuck it, if you’re gonna ruin Christmas might as well go hard.
Any other suggestions? Drop them in the comments below.