Last year on Evil Week, we counted down the top ten ways to annoy a vegan. Now it’s time to piss off the carnivores. If you abstain from meat, here are ten ways to infuriate your bacon-loving buddies and defy everything they stand for.
Parsley image from Shutterstock
Being a vegetarian isn’t always easy — especially when most of your friends eat meat. In the spirit of Evil Week, we advise you to turn the tables and make them the uncomfortable ones. Embrace your culinary lifestyle to the hilt with these deliberately offensive tactics. (A big shout-out to the Allure Media team for all their suggestions!)
- Serve meat substitutes to dinner guests with no advance warning. If they complain, blithely insist it tastes just like the real thing.
- Inform all your friends about the World Health Organisation report that links cured meats to cancer. Your faux concern should almost — but not quite — hide your glee.
- Post leaked footage from abattoirs and battery farms on your Facebook page. With instructions to share.
- The phrase: “I don’t eat anything with a face.”
- Helpfully explain how it’s possible to get the same amount of protein from eating vegetables as meat.
- Say things like: “Cows are just as emotionally intelligent as dogs…You wouldn’t eat a dog, would you?” and “Did you know that the amount of water needed to produce just one kilo of meat could hydrate a family of four for over a year?”
- Regularly share cute photos of calves, piglets, lambs and chicks on social media. Bonus points if they’re dressed in human outfits.
- Mention how the CSIRO diet is sponsored by Meat & Livestock Australia in every conversation. Also, shoehorn the documentary Cowspiracy into all film discussions.
- Insist on dining at a vegan restaurant during group outings. Then order a regular salad that you could have got anywhere.
- Loudly complain about the smell of bacon whenever you detect its delicious aroma.
Lifehacker’s Evil Week highlights the dark side of life hacking. How you use that knowledge is up to you.
Comments
9 responses to “How To Be An Insufferable Vegetarian”
So you’re saying that all vegetarians aren’t already insufferable?
10/10 for predictability
Hang on – aren’t these just regular vegetarian activities?
I would assume that’s a Super Mario Bros movie reference, and proceed to high-five them.
Interesting comments so far – although I often notice my social media feeds displaying ‘humorous’ images making fun of vegetarians (the classic dinosaurs at a BBQ with the “I brought hummus” herbivore, countless memes about pigs being made of delicious bacon etc.), although rarely see vegetarians or vegans preaching about their cause.
This is probably my biggest annoyance.
I’m a strict vegetarian and not once have I ever made a comment about anyone else’s diet, nor any comment about my own unless otherwise asked.
Yet, almost like clockwork I’m constantly given lectures by meat eaters about why my diet is wrong and theirs is right. (Popular now is the ever so condescending “oh yeah, my kid went through that stage”)
Yet, apparently its the vegetarians which are “insufferable”.
When invited out to an acquaintance’s home for dinner, don’t bother to tell them you’re vegan until you get there.
Complain that the vegetarian Bacon-like stuff is kept too close to the real bacon in supermarkets, because real bacon is disgusting, even though you are eating something that is designed to be as similar to bacon as possible.
Yes, I find it insufferable when vegetarians dare to be assertive, and/or provide factual information. Doesn’t everyone?