What To Do If Your Child Is A Bully At School

What To Do If Your Child Is A Bully At School

Bullying in schools is a subject that is talked about a lot. One of the quieter areas of discussion and research is the experience of parents whose child is responsible for harassing and victimising others. What happens when you’re the parent of Nelson Muntz or “Ja’mie Private School Girl”?

Bullying and schools

A raft of policies have emerged in recent years in response to growing community concerns about the role schools have in preventing, managing and responding to bullying problems. Education departments, such as South Australia and New South Wales, require schools to have anti-bullying policies that outline school procedures for managing bullying, as well as describing programs to support those who are affected by it in some way.

Bullying policies have advice to support those being victimised, but not for those victimising.

Nevertheless, much of the focus is understandably on the students who are the bullied, rather than on the bullies themselves. Even the national bullying program for schools, teachers, students and parents does not provide specific information for schools about working to support students who are bullying, despite the research suggesting that this needs to happen.

The research also highlights the importance of schools and parents working together to achieve a positive outcome for the student who is bullying.

What can schools do to help parents?

No parent wants to hear the news that their child is bullying other students at school, so the concerns must be raised in a considered way. It’s important the school and parents together consider what issues, either at home or at school, could be contributing to the student’s bullying behaviour.

A plan to manage the bullying behaviour needs to be developed by the school, parents, and student (if appropriate). It must consider any underlying issues the student may be experiencing. The plan should outline the expectations for the student, as well as consequences for both negative and positive choices the student makes.

It should also include steps to support the student to help them understand their bullying, and may include additional support such as access to the school counsellor.

Finally, schools need to be aware of the reluctance of some families to approach the school about such matters, concerned that they may be unfairly or harshly judged by school staff. To alleviate this, schools must make sure the opportunity for discussion and planning happens in an environment and a way that will allow the parents (and student if they are present) to speak and contribute openly.

Parent-child relationships in bully dynamics

What to do when your child is a bully seems to be harder to contemplate than what to do if your child is being bullied. The parental reaction can be similar to that of the first two stages of the commonly known Five Stages of Grief, that of denial and then anger. A typical reaction might be something like this:

No, I can assure you Principal my Jane/John is an angel and does not indulge in that type of behaviour. I am so angry at this accusation that I will withdraw John/Jane from your school.

Research has shown that parents or guardians, usually being the closest person to their son or daughter, may in fact be the last to know or accept this event is happening. A study in Finland from 2009 showed that parents really were the last to know, as the table below shows.

What To Do If Your Child Is A Bully At School

Australian Institute of Family Studies

Advice to Parents

The Australian Psychological Society says parents should ask the child how they would feel if they were in the situation of being bullied, and praise the child when s/he plays in a respectful way with others.

What To Do If Your Child Is A Bully At School

It will be hard for parents to believe their beloved child is harming others.

The issue can be resolved in a way where negative behaviour is replaced by positive reinforcement. Gradually improvement can take place in most cases where there is an understanding that the child has behaved poorly and that discussion can help improve the situation.

Of course, like many psychological issues, serious family dysfunctions such as the child being affected by negative discipline at home will have a detrimental affect on the child’s ability to understand the harm that bullying can do to another person. The development of empathy is key to the child understanding the harm that bullying can have on the other person.

What do I do?

Most parents will experience a mixture of shock, embarrassment and disbelief about the suggestion their child is bullying others. The urge to defend your child from such accusations should not, however, mean that parents ignore the fact that some kind of problem exists.

It is equally unhelpful to immediately assume that all complaints are objectively accurate and that swift punishment is needed. Instead take the time to talk calmly and privately with your child, discuss the reported events and take advantage of the supports offered by the school, such as counselling and social skill development.

Schools also have a critical role to play here in facilitating interventions appropriate to the severity of the problem. This can range from structured parent conferencing, to referrals made for specialist counselling through to involvement of law enforcement where the immediate safety of a child is of concern. It is not enough to leave these parents on their own to manage a situation that is being experienced in the school setting, an environment beyond their immediate control.

The ConversationNatalie Swayn is Lecturer, Inclusive Education and Psychology at University of New England.
Chris Boyle is Senior Lecturer in Educational Psychology at University of New England.
Jo Anderson is Lecturer in Inclusive Education at University of New England.

This article was originally published on The Conversation.


  • One of my children was a bully for a while. No amount of discussing seemed to make a difference. After a month of daily phone calls from the school, I realised my child lacked empathy (in other words, they didn’t care about other children). When I told my child they were a , my child was totally shocked at how they were seen by others. The behaviour stopped over night. Sometimes, it’s finding the right strategy.

    There was an incident from my high school days. There were a group of girls (or a girl) called the “ball kicker(s)”. If she/they didn’t like a boy, she/they’d boot him in the nuts – and not surprisingly, there was no comeback and too much embarrassment to take it to the teachers. One of my friends said he’d teach them a lesson if they tried it. Sure enough, he got kicked and in return, he pulled out a chunk of her hair. People were in total shock at a big guy taking on a girl much physically smaller than him … Well, she went down and so did he. I don’t remember any more instances of ball kicking after that. He did’t get ridiculed for hurting a girl – he was humiliated for pulling hair.

    • It’s really sad that despite calls for equality in this day and age the dichotomy still seems to be: If a woman slaps a man, it’s the mans fault and if a man punches a woman it’s the man’s fault.

  • The brackets were deleted. I wrote “when I told my child they were a __ insert name of other bully __

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