How to Become A Cunnilingus Master

Cunnilingus has an undeserved reputation for being one of the trickiest sexual acts to perform well. I think this characterisation is grounded in cultural judgements of the vulva as being “complicated” and “mysterious”. Let’s lay this unfair oral sex reputation to rest with some straightforward advice on performing some awesome cunnilingus.

For this guide, I’ve enlisted the help of Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman. As a sex therapist, I’ve read a lot of sexual advice books. She Comes First easily ranks in my personal top five.

Most sex books are too vague to actually be useful, but Kerner covers every aspect of cunnilingus in detail and gives lots of specific techniques. So, with his advice, here’s a step-by-step guide to learning how to give your partner great oral sex.

*Please note that while Kerner’s book is written for men, this advice works for anyone who performs cunnilingus across all genders.

An expert’s guide to oral sex: Cunnilingus

First: Put them at ease

A lot of women and people with vulvas simply don’t feel comfortable receiving oral sex. For some, this is due to insecurities about their scent or taste, or their internalised beliefs that their genitals are “ugly”.

Some worry that their partners are finding the experience unpleasant. Others dislike being the centre of attention, or find themselves unable to relax when receiving. Women are socialised to be hypercritical of their bodies, so having your eyes, nose, and mouth right in the middle of one of the most sensitive parts of the female body can evoke at least a little resistance.

You’re not going to be able to completely change their relationship with their body in one fell tongue-swoop, but you can make a special effort to help them feel more at ease.

Kerner says part of doing so involves changing your own perceptions of oral sex. One of the biggest misconceptions about cunnilingus is that ‘outercourse’ is less satisfying than ‘intercourse’.” For many people with vulvas, oral sex is the most physically pleasurable sexual act.

When you offer to go down on them, make it clear that you’re taking this activity seriously, and are excited to do it.

Kerner has a chapter called ‘The Cunnilingus Manifesto’, which includes three important guidelines for helping you and your partner enjoy the experience even more:

• Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does.
• There’s no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to savour every moment.
• Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful. It all emanates from the same, beautiful essence.

If you can convey each of these beliefs to her in a sincere way, you’re miles ahead of most people!

Get comfortable and take your time

Taking your time is another great way to help them feel more relaxed and excited about what you have in store. The clitoris is extremely sensitive, so you don’t want to dive in right away.

Kerner recommends spending plenty of time “kissing, hugging, touching, and sharing fantasies”, and making sure they’re aroused before starting to make your way between their legs. Once you’re down there, continue taking your time. Kerner says to “start with light vertical licks from bottom to top”.

Even then, people with vulvas take 20 minutes on average to reach orgasm, so it’s important that you settle in for the journey, too:

Make sure your body is supported and that you’re stretched out and recumbent. You want your gums and tongue more at a 45 degree angle than 90 degrees, which is more comfortable. Let her do some of the work by pressing her body into your gum line. Her legs should be close enough together that you can lean to the right or left and rest your head comfortably against her leg while never missing a lick.

If you’re not a fan of laying on your stomach, you can try kneeling at the foot of the bed between their legs. Whatever you do, just make sure you’re prepared to take your time.

Hone in on a routine with your oral sex approach

Kerner’s clients have some hilarious descriptions of the oral sex their partners performed. One woman complained that her partner treated cunnilingus like “the running of the bulls in Spain — a mad stampede for the clit”.

Another client said it felt like a “cobra defending itself from a mongoose”. Continuing the colourful metaphor trend, Kerner says, “Think of your tongue like the fluttering of gentle butterfly wings or like a thick wet magic marker carefully drawing a still-life.”

Translation: it’s better to be gentle and methodical than too rough or overly acrobatic.

That means you have to find a method that works and stick with it. One of the things I like best about She Comes First is that Kerner goes through detailed routines of strokes and techniques, in a specific order. There’s no fluff like “just keep licking!”

Everything is laid out for you. I asked Kerner for a basic routine to start with, and he gladly obliged:

Spread her labia and focus on licking the area of the front commissure, just above the glans (the clitoris). Use the index finger of your free hand to occasionally intersperse horizontal finger strokes across the glans with vertical tongue strokes.

As her arousal is increasing, you can insert a single finger, or possibly two. Use your tongue at first to enhance arousal and then a finger to complement and push arousal to the next stage. Don’t try to “fuck” her vagina with either tongue or fingers. Press your fingers upwards into her G-spot, while applying persistent licks.

With your free hand, you can touch her breasts, gently squeeze her nipples, caress her stomach or place under a butt cheek for support.

This is a straightforward technique that can serve as a great place to start, but keep in mind that every person likes different things when it comes to cunnilingus. Some like oral and manual stimulation at the same time, while others don’t.

Some orgasm best from tongue circles around the clitoris, others prefer a light sucking motion. Kerner recommends watching and listening to their reactions to find out what works best, but there’s another old standby that works just as well (if not better): ask your partner!

If they know what they like, they will probably gladly tell you. And if you two haven’t become comfortable talking about sex yet, we’ve written about how to get better — even if you’re shy.

Pay special attention to the commissure

Kerner’s approach to cunnilingus is unique in focusing on the commissure, which is the area right above the clitoris and clitoral hood.

It’s a smooth area of skin that tends to get ignored, due to its proximity to the obviously more infamous clitoris. In his chapters on anatomy, Kerner talks about the fact that pressure on the commissure can stimulate some of the internal fibres of the clitoris.

Here’s one of Kerner’s specific techniques for pleasuring the commissure:

Make your mouth into an Elvis Presley snarl and press your gum into her front commissure. Make a seal between your gum and her front commissure. You want to be a bit high above the glans, at a 45 degree angle to her vaginal entrance. Continue to apply persistent licks.

If you’re having a hard time visualising this, think about what your lips look like when you’re taking a bite out of an apple (minus the teeth of course!).

Prepare for orgasm

As they start nearing orgasm, Kerner advises pulling their legs closer together to increase the stimulation. But there’s one thing, above all else, that you should remember as they get close to orgasm: do not change what you’re doing in terms of routine and pacing.

Do not let yourself get sped up by their rising intensity. Keep being deliberate and methodical. Consistency is key for most people with vulvas, so once you’ve found something that works, stick to it and do not stray from the path! (Unless, of course, you’ve been asked to.)

The clitoris is extremely sensitive after orgasm, so let them have a chance to cool down and settle back in before attempting any other action. Tell them how much you enjoyed lavishing attention on their beautiful body, and congratulate yourself on a job well done!

If you’d like to continue reading about sex positions, check out this write-up on the top-Googled options in Australia.

This article has been updated since its original publish date.