Forced to use public transport? Maximise the pleasure of the experience by ruining it for everyone else. Follow these 10 tips and you’ll be well on your way.
10. Don’t stand on the left on escalators
It doesn’t matter to you if someone is racing to catch a train and avoid missing a connection. Not your problem. Honestly, who reads those ‘Keep left’ signs anyway?
9. Put your wet umbrella on the seat
Too much hassle to take a plastic bag with you, obviously. And your brolly deserves a seat of its own. Paying passengers? Pffft!
8. Barge straight onto the train when it comes in
People getting off the train are just going to have to fend for themselves. Life is tough.
7. Don’t get your ticket or smartcard out until you reach the barrier
Sure, you were standing in a queue doing nothing, but it’s not your job to speed up the process or think of others.
6. Don’t move inside the carriage
That vestibule is yours. Forgot the next 20 people behind you.
5. Listen to music at ear-shattering volume
Everyone else should be able to hear Creed along with you. Really, they should be paying you for the entertainment.
4. Take forever to pay for your ticket
If the people behind you miss their service, so be it. That price is a rip-off and if you yell at the ticket guy long enough, he’ll change it.
3. Chat on your mobile in a designated quiet carriage
You are the exception to the rule, clearly, because your call is vitally important.
2. Pay for your bus ticket with a $50 note
It’s legal tender, after all. (For bonus points, complain loudly when you’re not allowed on a prepay bus service.)
1. Don’t use public transport and then complain loudly that your taxes pay for it and it doesn’t make a profit
Taxes are meant to pay for roads, not trains, apparently. But only the roads you use.
This post is part of our Evil Week series at Lifehacker, where we look at the dark side of getting things done. Knowing evil means knowing how to beat it, so you can use your sinister powers for good. Want more? Check out our evil week tag page.