How To Lie And Tell The Truth Without Being An Arsehole

There are many instances in life when we feel we have to lie, because “yes, you look fat in that dress” doesn’t win you any favour. Here’s how to find the perfect harmony between kindness and the brutal truth.

Elizabeth Svoboda, over at Psychology Today, weighs the pros and cons of truth telling, finding that there are all kinds of people who react differently to honesty and directness. In some cases, people prefer a white lie, and in some cases a white lie can get you into trouble. If you pretend you like the tuna casserole to be nice, you might be eating it repeatedly. In general, truth-telling is much easier because keeping track of lies is a lot of work. As the Mark Twain quote goes, “If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” Svoboda finds that this is largely the appeal of truth-telling for many people devoted to total honesty, but that such total honesty can result in a variety of repercussions. Those repercussions always one thing in common: people think you’re an arsehole, and so they act on that notion.

The problem with honesty is that it isn’t as cut and dried as we might like it to be. There is a notable difference between telling the truth and giving an honest opinion. “Yes, I broke the vase” is much different from “your website is rubbish.” In the latter example, the website’s quality is subjective and so providing an honest opinion isn’t necessarily indicative of the truth. Statements like these are often better prepended with “I feel” and made more constructive by offering feedback. Fore example, “I feel your website could be better if you removed the picture of your cat that’s taking up half the page.” Some people won’t take well to honesty regardless of how you dish it out, but generally this kinder approach is the best compromise you’ve got.

Svoboda offers the following advice for finding a harmony between lying and truth-telling:

• “Weigh the specifics. Ask yourself whether telling the truth has real potential to improve a less-than-ideal situation. If someone you know is engaging in self-destructive behaviour, for instance, airing your opinions might be more helpful in the long run. On the other hand, if you detest people on your team at work but know there’s little chance of getting reassigned, it’s probably best to keep mum.”
• “Zero in on the other person’s motive and address it. If an acquaintance blindsides you with an inquiry like “I’m your best friend, aren’t I?”, don’t resort to the quick fix of telling a lie. Instead, parry with a reply that teases out the questioner’s true intent: ‘Are you feeling lonely these days? Should we get together more often?’”
• “Tell the truth to build rapport. Should you confide to a friend that you’ve had plastic surgery or that you once lusted after your ninth-grade science teacher? You don’t have to, of course, but DePaulo says people willing to disclose slightly embarrassing truths are likely to have deeper, more intimate personal relationships.”

On that last point, and a personal note, one of the things I generally do when I meet new people is tell them a funny, entertaining and embarrassing story about myself. Then I ask them to tell me one. If we’re not completely put off by each other by the end of it, it feels like we have a new bond. This has always made honesty more comforting and easier to dish out. If people feel you trust them enough to share something that embarrasses you, they’re often more willing to trust that you mean well — and are not an arsehole — when you offer an honest opinion.

Field Guide to the Truth Teller: I Cannot Tell a Lie [Psychology Today]