And sometimes you should just let it go.

Pick your battles carefully. Sometimes the emotional expense for a trivial dispute is simply not worth the effort.

Lastly, remember that many of these people simply want attention and the worst smackdown you can give is to say "Sorry, I don't have time for this", turn and walk away.

Deprong Mori

Good advice in this post, nicely done.

I'd mention also that the "intimidator" may not always intend to take "power away from you". Sometimes you're dealing with narcissism and there's just no way to effectively deal with it.

This article describes how to place boundaries between yourself and a person with emotionally abusive or selfish intentions, and there's no substitute for standing your ground without escalating the emotional level. It's exhausting to face down someone day after day, though. Even if you keep your cool, the conflict wears on you.

pdok

I just laugh. Easy. Simple. Fun.

TommySez

I don't like confrontation. If I'm faced with a ranting hothead, I get calm and I tell myself a good Buddha story :

________________________________________________
Once, a man approached the Buddha and verbally abused him. The Buddha just listened as the man continued voicing every insult he could think of. Finally, he stopped, and to his surprise found that the Buddha was smiling.

The man aked : "Why are you smiling ? I have insulted you and attacked your honour and screamed at you. How can you be so calm ?"

The Buddha asked a question of the man: "Tell me - if a man declined to accept an offered gift, to whom would the gift belong ?"

The man looked puzzled and answered : "It would belong to the person who offered the gift,of course," he replied.

The Buddha said : "I refuse to accept your abuse."
________________________________________________

johnshepherd

When people are overwhelmed by emotion, they tend to just follow what cognition researchers call "scripts," sort of a rote patterned interaction. If you can break the script, then the intimidator will almost always drop the act. So how do you "break a script?"

The best way to break scripts is to substitute another script, think of something else where we have almost patterned, reflexive responses. The first few lines of a conversation, Hi-How-are-you are a good example, but seem too odd in the middle of a conversation.

But something as simple as saying, "Sorry, but do you know the time?" can work wonders.

Johnny Pneumatic

"Well, I don't know. However..." (from here you can take the coversations where ever you want it to go, even to a conclusion.

Or: "I completely agree AND..." (now the conversation belongs to you.

Two very stupid words: "Yes but..."
Two very smart words: Yes and ..."

mikemykel

I have dealt with many hotheads in my day at the hockey rink refereeing. I have found that the best method for keeping control of an intimidating situation is to create the illusion the other person has control. Humiliation, no matter how subtle can make things worse in the long run. A method I have used in the rink, and elsewhere, is to let the other person explain their version of what is going on. you can use active listening to reflect back what the other person is saying, while still disagreeing with them. But of course, there are still times when it is best to walk away...

ghostwind

It's good to keep in mind that just because you're feeling intimidated doesn't mean that the person you're dealing with is consciously trying to intimidate you.

Howto articles like this tend to make the weak-minded see ill-intent in everyone they encounter. Use with caution.

Talthybius

I focus on appearing to be serene, and comfortable; the other person doesn't get the response that they expect.

Duane

All things being equal, know what your own definitions are of "intimidation" and of "harassment" and define the specific situation you're in accordingly. The two words suggest different approaches. With intimidation, there may be a certain amount of give-and-take over time. With harassment, the circumstances are always one-sided and stacked against you. Get a sanity check on the latter, and if necessary, find additional resources to end it.

vesuvian

The responses here are better than the advice given in the linked story. Sorry to be blunt about it, but that article comes across as both vindictive and poorly-informed.

The situations described are under-explained. The generalisations about police and lawyers are not helpful. The aggressors are portrayed as one-dimensional characters rather than people with more complex personalities. The advice given is shallow, not sufficient to address any given confrontation. That's teh worst of it. As TALTHYBIUS indicates, this advice is to be used with caution. There are any number of situations where it would just make things worse. So my advice is to ignore Jay Morrisey's advice.

e-tat

The problem is, the person who's trying to intimidate probably has some sort of temper problem or is very agitated. You can't just go "okay I'll ignore you until you calm down" on them... that will be a pure insult to them and they'll feel even more offended. Maybe that might be your goal if it's someone that you dislike. However, if one of your friends just has that personality, you can't expect to hurt them like that.

Dooga

"The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense" by Suzette Haden Elgin is probably a better reference than Morrissey's Blog entry.

-Which is fine, including the comments; but for anything like this to be effective, it takes almost an entire Course, with real-life role-playing.

This type of stuff is sufficiently complicated and deep that you could devote an entire blog, or at least 10 posts to just this subject.

Also, I disagree with the interpretations of nefariousness. -It's just a set of tools; how you use them is up to you. As one commenter on JM's blog said: There are several of us who are lucky enough to be fairly unaccustomed to this type of speech.

@pdok: Agreed. Some errant folks just do not respond to the positive way of handling these things.

[www.metavitae.com]

spaceman7

"How do you prevent others from assuming your power?"

I ask the following questions, "Are you ill? Is there someone I should call?"

It calls attention to the inappropriate behavior, but frames it as an effort to help someone who is clearly mentally ill. The lingering stigma against mental illness is such that jerks will dial down their behavior to keep from being seen in that light.

-- SCAM

austinmayor

This is easy. Step 6 inches closer to the person. That is all it takes. If you get in their bubble, you are keep them off balance and you physically intimidate them while they are trying verbal intimidation. No kidding, I have seen 95 lbs old ladies do this to 6'2" men at the grocery store. Don't avoid the threat, attack it.

ender

Again, many of these people behave the way they do for attention. Telling them to go to hell is reactive. By blanding stating that you do not have time for them is different since you're not instructing them to do anything.

Disinterest is a powerful weapon, often far more powerful than negative interest.

By listening to them and then offering a negative opinion, you have indulged their desire to be heard. If you don't listen to them, you have negated everything they could ever think or say.

Deprong Mori

Would telling the other person to go to hell be a good tactic? Regardless of who they are, if they are are doing this to you they are setting themselves up to harm you in the long run. You can't let them.
That's how I feel.

Spaceboy

@AUSTINMAYOR - Wow, that sounds like an invitation for them to put YOU in the hospital. ;o)

Pattern interrupt, described earlier, is both safest and most effective. "Own your own BS, but don't take anyone else's."

Keter

@spaceman7: Additionally, Dr. George Thompson's Verbal Judo series of books are a good resource as well (his books tend to be focused on law enforcement tactics, but when was the last time you won an argument with a cop?)

Ender's suggestion to close space is an excellent one in the proper context. You don't want to try that one in an environment where physical violence is possible unless you're prepared to back up your actions with violence yourself. In an office environment, however, you can really put someone off by invading their space a little bit.

Zundfolge

I have a acquaintance I see regularly in the pub in England who simply beats senseless anyone who troubles him in any way at all. At first his technique might seem neanderthal, but in reality perhaps his simple solution works, since he rarely hits anyone anymore, and certainly no one ever tries to "bait him". Perhaps if all of society was less tolerant verbal abuse would simply fade away. Maybe that's how it was in the "Wild West"? Maybe you only baited people if you were prepared to get killed. Interesting how living in more civilised times has actually made lives for millions of office workers a misery. Food for thought.

zarathustra

Another problem with the tactic(s) described is that it can be used to sabotage any proper discussion. Which of course can lead to the other person losing his/her temper, and so on and so on. In my view the main point of a conversation is communication, when that stops (either by someone losing their temper, using bail-out tactics described above, starts referring to quantum mechanics "and therefore every 'thruth' exists and is valid") the primary function has broken down, and has the conversation become pointless. I usually then just walk away from it.

Ronald van Raaij

When grouchy old drivers honk at my friend and give him the finger, he blows them a kiss a drives off.

I think that kind of humiliation is more insulting because you refuse to acknowledge that the aggressor matters at all in the situation.

Who wants to waste time being someone's punching bag?

If you're gonna start yapping at me like a dog, I'm going to ignore you and kick you out of my space, exactly as I would do to a yappy dog.

@Dooga: It's not an insult so much as, "Calm down and we can talk." Most intelligent people can handle that, doncha think?

shoplifteroftheworld

to: Zarathustra: I hope I never meet your English friend, or you if that is the sort of company you keep. That tactic only works until you meet a bigger, stronger jerk... or the uniformed authorities. I'm sure there were plenty of office workers back in those days of the "Wild West" who suffered, silently, from bullies.

xenobyte72

Anybody who starts an article with that old, "an eye for an eye may make the world blind but I'd rather be blind than see a coward in the mirror" cliche is bound to be offering advice from the position of someone desperately convinced that every interaction is an attempt at 'stealing power' from him ... meh. Some of what was said seemed reasonable but I have to agree so much with what's already been said here, too. Holy cow, the one person I've ever known who would yell at his employees could - and WOULD - fire someone for pulling that "subtle humiliation" hooey on him ... and given the many many positive aspects of his leadership, it just wouldn't have been worth it when there are other more productive technniques for dealing with that.

Things like active, reflective listening and attempting to see things from the other person's point of view seem like far more effective strategies in the long run - it doesn't have to mean you're a coward or a doormat if you choose to defend yourself rather than "fight back," if fighting back is really just getting you sucked in to a ridiculous and pointless fight you cannot "win" in the first place.

stacyj

People are so defensive - sometimes they read motives into common behavior

The same people who are accusing others of intimidating them - have probably been in situations where they have done the same things to others.

Who can say they have not been the intimidator as well as the one intimidated.

If you do it to others - why should it not happen to you - occassionally.

The only people who do not experience this are those who never interact so as to neve have any conflict

SEARCH ENGINES

@ XENOBYTE72 Hey, go easy on the personal insults. I said "acquaintance" not friend for a reason. I don't particularly care for his technique but I brought it up as a thought experiment. I was speculating that our increased tolerance (at least physical restraint) for societies "bullies and idiots" means they can get away with the behaviour so often they hard countless people. Whereas if more people physically punished them they might learn to stop upsetting people a lot faster. Trust me I've worked places where the guy who is seen as having "very little patience" before he'd use his fists was not the guy who was bullied the most. Does that not back up my case. Physically feared people don't get "baited" too much. Prison could be seen as a microcosm of society, and that technique is very much in evidence there.

zarathustra

Hmmm...maybe a different approach altogether is needed...one by the company. I worked for a place once that did not tolerate emplyoyees being verbally abused in any way. Once a manager (or peer) got a rep of doing this, and HR got wind of it, that person was history - no matter how good their performance. Believe me, it cut down (if not eliminated) that type of behavior. Plus, it boosted employee moral by 1) the company actually doing something about it and 2) seeing the jerk escorted out the door.

z974647

My personal reaction to being verbally abused (once the fire of impassioned youth passed) has been to first take a step back. You need to know two things before responding, what in particular has made them upset and what in general has made them react this way.

Stepping back is the first and most important thing. Try not to let them get your emotions up. Distance yourself from whatever reason they have for being upset. It's hard to not react and step back but most of the time there's no point to taking things personally. The ability to do this varies by personality, situation and mostly by training. This is a learned skill that requires practice.

So why are they being abusive in this instance? What was the problem? If it's a reasonable problem that might drive the average person to this kind of reaction then try to enter into a dialog and work toward a resolution. If it's an unreasonable reaction to the problem then either break off the conversation or wait while they spend their ire. You can be the reasonable one, don't let them bully you.

Why are the abusive? It's not usually a winning strategy. Is this the way they always react? If it is then you should learn to avoid or marginalize the persons impact on you. Regularly abusive people thrive off the reaction they get from people. Learn to not reward them with a payoff. But sometimes it's a rare situation where high emotion has driven a person to lash out. For them it's best to be understanding, you are the better person for it.

This is a fundamentally cooperative approach. What starts off as abuse can be turned into dialog in many situations. Abuse is often an attackers way of trying to assert their authority, to put you under them in the pecking order. If you can successfully negotiate to a resolution you come out as equals, no matter if it's your boss or a random guy off the street.

But not all situations can be resolved amicably and that's okay. Sometimes you just have to step back until you are out of the room. Some great lines are, "Control yourself, sir!", "Do you realize what you just said?", "We can only continue this conversation if you lower your voice/stop being personal/keep to the subject." or silently start staring curiously at them.

I'll admit to a small vice. I've derived no small amount of pressure from occasionally playing along with abuse that seemed unreasonable to get them into a Socratic dialog. There's nothing that will drive a thoughtlessly abusive person beyond rationality quicker than a coldly analytic, questioning and inquisitive dialog on their abuse. If they pay attention it's like holding up a mirror to their soul. Mostly it just confuses them.

DanRP

@ spaceman7 - I too highly recommend "The Art of Verbal Self-defense" by Suzette Haden Elgin. She has a wonderful series of books on this topic, including versions for work, and for talking gently with kids.

[www.amazon.com]

allochthon

It's already pretty much what I practice in my line of work - Tech Support. It does getting pretty intimidating having to face unreasonable managers. I'll be forwarding this article to my subordinates. I'm sure they will benefit greatly from it.

Matter of fact, I'm gonna print out the article now and adorn my desk with it. Yeah. :)

[www.dereth.org]

dereth