From the article:

"Conversation is the best way to connect and communicate with other people."

Dang! I suppose I had better stop bringing the semaphores to lab meetings!

idoru

I know this can sound pretentious, but did you know that they used to teach rhetoric in school -- i.e. oratory, eloquence, and how to persuade people -- stance, tone, etc. It's not being taught anymore, and some of the most important reasons are: (1) these factors have become thoroughly conventionalize, and therefore ineffective (2) that these 'methodological/psychological' analyses of eloquence or communication tend to be superficial or a hinderance to genuine communication, since they focus on appearance and convention and can't arrive at that mysterious element called honesty.

In other words, honesty is not confessional but is an expression and a naming of the situation: it's creative, fleeting and difficult rather than merely 'saying what is repressed' or 'saying what you feel'; a creative rather than a correspondance-based model of truth. In other words, honesty is more closely related to humor and irony rather than the confessional booth or some expression of "the self" or "the person". A genuine moment of honesty -- and I'm sure you've all experienced this -- is when the so-called "repressed truth" of the situation is expressed in an ironic mode, as in "You're just talking with me because you want to get in my pants, aren't you?" When a girl says this, she is both stating the "repressed truth" and allowing the relationship to establish itself as different from that "repressed truth" -- and I put "repressed truth" in quotes only because this is not an actual truth but the set of conventionalities being used -- in this case, the man in the role of deceiver and the woman in the role of deceivee. These are not 'truths' but conventional roles of performance, and no one is being decieved because nothing is going on except repetition and death.

To summarize: honesty is creative rather than expressive, having meaningful intercourse is a creative act based primarily on irony and humor.

q335r49

@Q33

Loved your definition of honesty. One of these days I'm going to be saying that during a conversation.

Thanks. Saving what you said in Word.

-On topic

One of my secrets to being a good socializer is really to use the environment around to your advantage. This is really common ground as you are both right then and there. If not on the phone that is. It gives you something to break the ice with, if you have nothing else to say.

I haven't completely read the article, sorry if it may say this already.

thesupreme1

@wormz: Unless it's just an elevator-conversation.

Cidinho

Once someone started with a comment on what is the weather like, expect a long and embarrassing silence afterwards :-)

wormz

Ha, I do like the picture =)

Brendan Ross

haha yes, that guy is thinking "I must look interested" when he's actually just trying to look at her breasts.

zarathustra

I like, "The beginning of a conversation is the easiest time to end the conversation. This is because no real relationship potential has yet been established." That's the best thing that came out of that article.

Realize that when speaking to someone, you must be 100% honest with the person you are talking to. The first poster talked about being creative rather than expressive. I disagree, you must be both.

No BS ever. If you ask their job, and she says, "Oh I'm a lifeguard," and you say, "Oh wow!" chances are she'll become turned off. It's not your fault, it's social conditioning, you have no idea what her specific job is like. She could hate her job and you are acting like it's awesome. So always be honest and always be prompting for more effort if you are not satisfied. "Oh, I'm a lifeguard," "A lifeguard? What is that job really like? I feel like my perception of it has been perverted by the likes of Pamela and Hasselhoff."
Now she knows you are being real and that you are TRULY interested in what she has to say.

That brings me to another point. When you show you are truly interested in people, that is a very attractive quality. You can one up that attractive quality by then showing your genuine interest in that person by telling them your appreciation for who they are. This is very simple yet very effective for two reasons:

1. It makes the person feel good about him/herself because they know what you said was genuine, which in turn will make them open up to you more
2. It will build attraction towards you because only a confident person gives their approval to someone.

How do you do it? By simply stating what you like about them. "I like your honesty about your job, I usually tell people I'm in the music business when I only work at the CD store." Do this on their high points, right after they have said or have done something that interests you. Most of the time I usually just say, "I like you," on their high points and it turns out being really effective. That coupled with some non-creepy touching on the upper arm and you come off as a very confident person.

I could go on forever about this, I actually run a business on social skills geared towards the other sex. I'm a social coach.

[www.nightlifeserenade.com]

robotboner

The best way to become a great conversationalist, is to stop talking and just listen once you get the other person to start. Find something you are both genuinely interested in and let the other person tell you all about it, resisting the temptation to butt in. Everyone loves the sound of their own voice and good listeners are few and far between.

xenobyte72

xeno and robot have good comments: Be genuinely interested in the other person. For an intellectually curious person, this should be rather easy, whether the topic is logistics, lifeguarding, lifehacking, or lemurs. If you are not intellectually curious and have no interest in what other people have to say, you will find conversations with strangers taxing and fruitless.

The fascinating thing is, when you think *others* are boring it's usually *you* who is coming across as boring. There are many interesting things about every person on this planet, guaranteed. Find one or two of them and you'll have a great conversation.

Dale Carnegie's advice still holds true after all these years.

onesix18

"Break the ice with meaningful conversations instead. For example, if you're meeting someone for the first time, don't make a negative comment about the event that you're both attending"

I disagree. One of the best ways to break the ice is to make a comment about the environment.

The one I use most is (when standing at a bar waiting for a drink): "I hate how slow the bartenders are around here. What are you drinking, if I get up there, I'll get it for you." Followed by, "oh, really? You like (that drink)?" (Depends on which way I want to go, I either make fun of her drink or say something innocuous (a neg).

Other things are make a comment about the place. Is there a weird painting on the wall? Is there someone in the room that looks totally out of place?

The idea is not to talk about you or the other person. People always put up a defense during those conversations and don't really know where to go with it. People always feel awkward talking about themselves. But if you have a conversation about a neutral topic, you can gauge how the conversation is going.

tazzy531

I wanted to dislike this article, but I couldn't really. Because it has some really good points. But, of course, it assumes that you are interested in "becoming more socially active, a better networker, and a people driven leader"

Some of us prefer things to people.

Some of us make a few friends instead of networking with the world.

And leadership often means that you take the arrows for the people following you.

screaminscott

@tazzy531:

I understand why you think those are good things to do and say, because that is what flirting nowadays sounds like. Some teasing a girl to try to feel higher value, because you don't believe it yourself, so external validation will hopefully help. And then speaking negatively about others, which is another insecure trait. Yes, I know you think it's a neg, Mystery doesn't explain his theories very well so many people misinterpret it.

"The idea is not to talk about you or the other person. People always put up a defense during those conversations and don't really know where to go with it. People always feel awkward talking about themselves. But if you have a conversation about a neutral topic, you can gauge how the conversation is going."

I don't believe that at all. The reason people likely seem to put up a defense with you is because this is your belief. People are VERY open to me because I speak about myself very vividly and passionately. I make sure they can relate to me and feel like I understand them. When that happens, the person is more likely to open up. It is likely that you feel awkward talking about yourself and that makes others feel the same. My advice for you Tazzy531 is to not have such a platonic vibe with the people that you talk to, and you will find that human connections and relationships can happen very very quickly.

robotboner