Tough Love: Why You Should Never, Ever Send That Dick Pic

You have problems, I have advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated — in fact, it’s sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.

This week we have a guy who almost landed the girl of his dreams — if it wasn’t for those stupid sexts he sent off…

[referenced url=”https://www.lifehacker.com.au/2017/06/how-to-tell-off-the-selfish-bloodsucker-in-your-life/” thumb=”https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/t_ku-large/ntd2ukdbfbomsfakyflt.jpg” title=”Tough Love: How To Tell Off The Selfish Bloodsucker In Your Life” excerpt=”You have problems, I have advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated — in fact, it’s sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.”]

Keep in mind, I’m not a therapist or any other kind of health professional — just a guy who’s willing to tell it like it is. I simply want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn lives. If for whatever reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here. Now then, let’s get on with it.

Hey Patrick,

I believe I was lucky enough to rub across your page. I really need some advice, so here it is:

I’ve been the best of friends with this girl — she means the world to me. [She] and I have helped each other through our relationships, but mine ended unfortunately… she got in a very mean fight with her boyfriend, called me, and said he had told her out of spite he would pay for her to move to me. Well, we spoke on the phone that night and it ended up with both of us completely unloading every feeling we’ve ever had for each other. Then it came to a point where we talked about how we’ve never seen each other’s bodies, and she told me she had wanted to for “Oh so long.” So I sent her a few sexual pictures.

Now, after the pictures, I’m blocked. So, my question is basically this: Did I screw up this amazing perfect friendship by confiding my feelings to her? Was this a mistake? Or do you think maybe she’ll find a way to contact me?

She only has and uses Facebook, so I know she’s read my messages trying to reach out and is online often. I don’t know if her boyfriend maybe saw the photos and blocked me, or if I just screwed up. We’ve spent over eight years knowing every single thing about each other. I really don’t know what to do now. This is a friend I love so much but, I can’t, like, handle losing contact with her. I know I’m basically all of the joy in her life. I don’t know. Please help, man.

Sincerely,

Dick Pickington

Hey Dick Pickington:

Rub across my page? Uh, please don’t rub across any of my things. Thanks.

Anyway, I think you have royally screwed the pooch here, dude. It was fine to reveal your feelings because, well, you both did it. It sounds kind of sweet really, like a scene in a bad rom-com. The mistake was sending her the “sexual pictures” because you thought she was prompting you for them. So, using your story as an example, here’s why sending a dick pic is almost always a bad idea:

• Worst-case scenario (which is probably what happened): You kill any romantic, flirty vibe going on and she goes “WTF?” or “Oh my god…” in a bad way. When she said that stuff about wanting to see your body for “Oh so long…” (ha, OK), she probably meant it in a flirty way to build up tension for when you finally get together in person. After being in such a crappy relationship with her almost-ex-boyfriend, she wants something that feels real. There’s nothing sweet or romantic about a photo of your penis, so she blocks you, feeling disappointed.
• Best case scenario: She goes “Wow!” and sends you something sexy back. But then, if you ever do end up getting together, the mystery is completely gone… How exciting.

But wait, there’s a secret third option…

• The embarrassing scenario: Her boyfriend sees the photos, forces her to block you, and then has a good laugh about you trying to be sexy in a selfie. Probably makes a joke about the size of your penis. Also, now there are pictures of your junk out there.

As you can see, it’s just not worth it. Sexting can be hot for established couples if you’re both into that kind of thing, but otherwise just don’t. Use your words. Let there be some surprise. And you know what? Even if she had explicitly asked for a close up of your leading man, that’s the perfect opportunity to tantalise her a bit. Send a dick pic and maybe get a pic back. Send a message like, “You’ll have to come over and see for yourself,” and your new romance might be off to a hot start.

Now, I’m going to make an example out of you here, Mr Pickington — specifically for this ridiculous line:

I know I’m basically all of the joy in her life.

What?! No. NO. Bad Dick Pickington! I’d swat you on the nose with a newspaper if I could. Not only is it incredibly conceited for you to believe that, but how could you possibly know? Like, even if she told you that, it’s probably not true. It seems that in your mind, this girl is some damsel in distress, locked away in a scary castle, waiting for you to rescue her from some sort of monster. But guess what? She isn’t Princess Peach, her boyfriend isn’t Bowser, and you aren’t Mario. Life is more complicated than that acid trip. And Mario doesn’t send Peach pics of his mushroom.

I believe that you guys were very close friends, I do. And I even believe that you guys both had feelings for each other. But you are not now, and not ever, her only chance at happiness. You are not her saviour. You had a great friendship that was easing into a budding, yet complicated romance, then you jumped the gun by giving her what you thought she wanted: A crappy photo of your crotch. But what she truly wanted was what made you guys close in the first place: Someone who knew her well, and someone who cared for her deeply. Also, probably someone who wanted to eventually be intimate in person.

At this point, apologise if you haven’t (even if she may not see it), and move on. Don’t hound her on Facebook, and don’t try to find other ways to contact her. If she ever wants to reconnect with you, she will. But it’s all on her now. Oh, and don’t send people pictures of your genitals any more, Dick Pickington. It’s clearly not the magic love potion you thought it would be.

[referenced url=”https://www.lifehacker.com.au/2013/07/how-to-practise-safe-sexting-without-resorting-to-digital-abstinence/” thumb=”https://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18t9p9s7yskzxjpg/original.jpg” title=”How To Practise Safe Sexting Without Resorting To Digital Abstinence” excerpt=”The rule with sexting is that if you don’t want everyone to see photos of you, don’t send them to anyone. This is good advice, but it’s also an ‘abstinence only’ approach. If you decide to go through with it, there are ways to protect yourself.”]

That’s it for this week. I probably didn’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes what you need is some tough love. ‘Til next time, figure things out for yourself.