What To Do If You Feel Too Bloated For Sex, But You’re Still Horny

We’ve all been there, right? Ready to leap into bed, but concerned about the ominous rumblings in your stomach. Here’s how to prevent bloating, gas or food babies from ruining an otherwise sexy evening.

Image remixed from Wiktoria Pawlak (Shutterstock)

Get That Gas Out!

Try to get as much gas out of your body as you can before getting down. Excuse yourself to the restroom or your bedroom for a few minutes. If you have some privacy, let ‘er rip. If you’re worried about your sex partner hearing your rectal cacophony, try holding some toilet paper against your butthole to dampen the sound. If you can get down onto the floor, try out yoga’s delightfully-named wind relieving pose. If you’re out in public, try massaging your stomach in a clockwise direction, which should provide some intestinal relief. If gas is coming out the other end, try pushing out as many loud burps as you can while you’re on your own. You can also pop some antacids, or chew ginger. If smell is a concern, try lighting a strong-smelling candle.

Don’t Body Shame Yourself

We’re all guilty of being host to food baby every now and then. Being bloated can be embarrassing, but you don’t have to avoid sex just because you feel a little Rubenesque. If you find yourself fighting self-consciousness in the moment, acknowledge the reality of the choice in front of you: “Am I really about to turn down a night of passion with this gorgeous creature because I’m worried about the size of my belly pooch? Really?”

Don’t Do Oral

If you’re holding in farts for dear life, for the love of all that is good in this world, please don’t let your partner go down on you. That’s just cruel.

Or Anal

Ditto.

Avoid Dangerous Positions

Being on the receiving end of Doggy Style or Reverse Cowgirl is way too risky if you’re gassy. You may also want to avoid positions that require your body to be bent over, or that put a lot of weight on your belly. On the other hand, some people like pressure when they have upset stomachs. You know your body best.

Try to stay in positions that don’t require a ton of effort on your part. Spooning on your sides is a pretty safe, easy position. Try facing the same direction, or facing each other.

If there’s too much pressure in your stomach for intercourse (and you’re polite enough to spare your partner a potential fart to the face during oral), you can still have a good time by masturbating in front of each other, getting each other off with your hands, or using sex toys. The novelty of getting off in new ways might help you forget about the poltergeist residing in your bowels.

Ignore It and Laugh It Off

Even with your best efforts, some sounds might slip out. If your intestinal rumblings aren’t too loud, just ignore them. No need to ruin the moment with a long, stuttering explanation of your mild gluten intolerance. If you find yourself getting distracted, you may find it better to simply acknowledge the noises (“sorry about that” or “just ignore that”) and move on like it’s no big deal.

We’re all human, and part of being human is farting, burping, and just generally making strange noises and odd smells. It’s natural to be embarrassed for a moment, but it doesn’t need to ruin your entire interaction.

If you’re with someone relatively new, think of this experience as a litmus test. A good partner will laugh it off with you instead of guilting or shaming you. But if you really dropped a deadly one, you can’t blame your partner for sprinting out of the room!

Take Preventative Measures Next Time

If you’ve passed the point of no return this time, remind yourself to be better prepared next time. Bring some digestive enzymes with you to your next fancy dinner out. Try to go a little easier on the food and booze if you’re on a hot date. Or follow Dan Savage’s advice and f*** first!