Become A Man's Man With These 65 Life Hacks From Goldman Sachs

Investment banking firm Goldman Sachs has published a list of bite-sized tips designed to turn you into the ultimate man. (Apparently, a healthy dose of sexism towards women is a pre-requisite.)

Photo: AMC

What does it mean to be a man today? @GSElevator and NetNet's John Carney have attempted to break down the chief rules that every man should live by.

As you'd expect from Goldman Sachs, there's a distinct Wall Street/white collar vibe to many of these pearls of wisdom — you should always tip more than you need to, for example, and your sunglasses need to be incredibly expensive.

Some of the advice also seems to have come straight out of the 1960s-set TV show Mad Men ("When in doubt, always kiss the girl", "Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive."
)

We've also omitted some of the more overtly US-centric tips such as the best "rest rooms" in New York.

Nevertheless, there are still a few interesting nuggets below that are probably worth adopting into your lifestyle. I'll definitely be taking up fly-fishing this summer.

The Unofficial Goldman Sachs guide to being a man:

  • Stop talking about where you went to college.
  • Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.
  • Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.
  • It’s OK to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.
  • Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.
  • You will regret your tattoos.
  • Never date an ex of your friend.
  • Join Twitter; become your own curator of information.
  • If riding the bus doesn’t incentivise you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
  • Time is too short to do your own laundry. 

  • When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
  • If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt.
  •  

  • Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.
  • When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go.
 And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
 

  • People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy. 

  • When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
  • Tip more than you should.
  • You probably use your mobile phone too often and at the wrong moments.

  • Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.
  • Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning. 

  • Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend. Leave Rusty and Junior at home.
  • Be a regular at more than one bar.
  • Act like you’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.
  • A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.

  •  

  • Learn how to fly-fish.
  • No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.
  • Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.
  • There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.
  • You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.
  • Ask for a salad instead of fries.

  • Don’t split a check.
  • Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.
  • When a bartender buys you a round, tip double. 


  • Be spontaneous.
  • Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.
  • Piercings are liabilities in fights.
  •  

  • Do not use an electric razor. 

  • Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.

  • Buy a tuxedo before you are 30. Stay that size.

  • One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.

  • #StopItWithTheHastags
  • Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer. 

  • Throw parties. 
But have someone else clean up the next day.
  • Measure yourself only against your previous self.
  • Take more pictures. With a camera.
  • Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.

  • Your clothes do not match. They go together. 

  • Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner. 

  •  

  • Staying angry is a waste of energy.

  • If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.
  • Always bring a bottle of something to the party.


  • Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life.
  • If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs. 

  • Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.

  • If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone. 

  • You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.

  • If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
  • No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it. 

  • Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
  • Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
  • Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party — provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading…”
  • Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.
  • Don’t ever say, “it is what it is.”
  • Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off.
  • Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”
  •  

    [Via Business Insider Australia]


Comments

    Everything that's wrong with the finance industry right there

      'Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”'

      Which is how you justify corruption to yourself. Global financial crisis, anyone?

      Last edited 11/09/13 3:28 pm

        This is actually a misquote from Douglas Bader (an outstanding man, leader, fighter pilot and ace of WW2, who lost his legs and then went on to continue flying during that war).
        The quote is: "Rules are for the guidance of wise men and the obedience of fools." From the book by Paul Brickhill - Reach for the skies 1954, p. 44.
        In the book this quote is attributed to Harry Day, the Royal Flying Corps First World War fighter ace.

        Obviously Goldman Sachs are not wise men, or they would not have cocked up the quote in the first place. Once you read it in the correct context it makes a lot more sense.

        Last edited 12/09/13 10:03 am

          Probably says a lot that 'successful businessmen' can now be considered men's men... over say Harry Day?

          Thanks, the quote makes much more sense now.

          Reminds me of a favourite of mine:
          "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
          - George Bernard Shaw,

          Douglas Bader was a complete tit. Read what he said to his batman in the prison camp at the end of the war.

    Oh and Whiskey does love me. It whispers it to me every time i uncork it

      What's that..? You want me to drink you..? But I'm in the middle of a trial!

    did Ron Swanson write this list???

      No and therefore it is bullshit.

      If you need an additional clue, no real man would ever advise another to order a salad. Salad is nearly as bad as skim millk.

        "You don't make friends with salad,
        You don't make friends with salad..."

    Some of these are actually pretty amusing.
    "Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists."
    "If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs."
    Ha!

    Last edited 11/09/13 3:24 pm

      No where near as sexist as I was expecting and some of these are good tips.
      A Tip of my own. Be as less like a women as you can. Chicks dig that.

      This though "Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists." Elaborate for me please? I don't get it.

        It's a twist on "A lady in the street but a freak in the sheets", i.e. classy and respectable (like Times New Roman) in public, but crazy and fun (like Wingdings) in bed ;)

          Ahhh! I was thinking that way. Thanks.

          Lady in the streets, But a freak in the bed.

          Yeah.

        Time New Roman is formal.... Wingdings is a bunch of nutty symbols.

        You don't get that? Really? WOW!

        I sure hope you are more handsome than you are witty.

      As far as i can figer out Women are Wingdings like 90% of the time....

      As a web designer:

      "Find an unstyled, default person in the streets, and someone whose words make no sense unless they're coming from someone else, in the sheets"

      I know some people out there who found an Impact in the street (loud, bold and overused), and a Lucidia Handwriting in the sheets (thinks they're unique and stylish, but are really just trend followers). Poor guys..

        Graphic designer:
        Avant Garde on the streets, Shapes between the sheets.

          Abstract artist:
          A Remix of Juncture in the street, Deconstructing the Local in the sheets.

    "Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing."
    This is the dream of every man in Silverwater Jail

      Isn't that how most of them got sent there in the first place?

    You lost me at "handcrafted shotgun"...

      You had me at "handcrafted shotgun"...

        Oh god, Im a yuppie arnt I???... A lot of that appealed to me haha...

        Handmade shotgun?? Try a set of flintlock dueling pistols with mokume barrels in a mahogany case

          yeah....ill stick to my desert eagles when the zombie apocalypse starts thanks

            Enjoy your death using pointlessly heavy and loud retarded guns...

    That's odd, manipulate the global economy for your own benefit at the demise of others isn't on there.

    Written by crass tools for an audience of crass tools. They'd be better off with a bottle of Ron De Jeremy than a good single malt obviously.

    So many of those are wise tips, yet so many are encouraging an unsustainable way of life, let alone the avoidance of moral compasses.
    It is what it is, OH DAMMIT.

      That's exactly how I felt

      #firstworldproblems

    "Tip more than you should", "Own a handcrafted shotgun", What is this? 'murica?

    "You will regret your tattoos" Close-minded much? Not all tattoos are meaningless tramp stamps.

    "Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists." Wow… Just, Wow… Honestly, props too whoever came up with that one, it's pure genius! :p

      Ironic that the guy who complains "What is this? 'murica?" is the guy who also says "props too whoever came up with that one"

      Nice spelling, toooooo.

    Amusing but if this was meant to be serious then some of these smack of douchebagery.

    Take advice from the financial firm that lost all their money, then had to beg for a bail-out from the Government?

    Yeah no thanks.

      The actual guys that were running that firm are still rich (bar one or two sacrificial lambs that were never part of the boys club in the first place). They pocketed the money and then got the government to fill the hole.

      I think they're pretty smart.

        Not smart. Never smart. It doesn't take smarts to weasel out of a disaster and end up on your feet, just a good survival instinct.
        They'd be "smart" if they never contributed to the disaster in the first place, or at the very, very least were never implicated.

          Nahhh it's smart :) Maybe not ethical, but a no less intelligent tactic.

            Only to the obtuse observer. The same way a cat falling on its feet is "smart" ;)

              not that I'm defending GS, but from Scruffy on down y'all need to get your facts straight about when, how and how much GS took from the Gov and when they paid it back. Here's a clue: they took it late and paid it back early

    Step 66. Never refer to these as Life Hacks.

    "Become a man's man" more like how to "Become a Corporate Capitalist Wanker"

      Yep, pretty much. That's a sad list right there.

    I find this post surprising considering the sheer number of seemingly outright feminists you guys have, especially at Kotaku. (Not saying that in a negative way, more of a surprised way)

      They're not feminists at Kotaku, they're just trying to superficially emulate the image of feminism in a pretty patriarchal way, which fits in 100% with a list like this.

    I think a lot of the commenters here are more interested (or pissed off?) that this was written by people from Goldman Sachs than worried about reading the tips?

    Apart from shotguns and fly fishing (which, admittedly, neither of which I've ever tried) this is pretty much just a quick tips guide to behaving in polite society as a guy; albeit couched in witty one liners. I can honestly say that most blokes I know/see around town could use a couple quiet words about how to dress and behave.

    I'd like to add:
    If you don't carry a pistol, you won't need a holster. Especially not for your phone.
    Keep your wallet small and its contents valuable.

    "If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt."

    The dude who wrote this hasn't lived in Queensland. I've tried wearing an undershirt in summer when I had to wear a suit for work and the extra body heat it caused made me sweat more. Through both layers.

    I have found if you perspire, take a warm shower in summer as the relative change when you get out of a cold shower will make you perspire, and if you want, drink celery juice, that also helps.

      Er... If that's true, then your body isn't regulating its own temperature.... Think of people walking in the desert, are they wearing shorts and tshirt? Hell no, they're wearing the heaviest stuff possible because that keeps the heat out to a degree, and their body handles the rest.

      Seek medical attention ^_^

        That's not the same thing I'm not walking around the desert in direct sunlight. I'm talking about being in 30 degrees in the shade. Are you suggesting in summer in Queensland we should wear the heaviest stuff possible to keep cool?

        Are you saying I need medical attention because wearing an extra layer of clothing makes me hotter and more prone to perspire?

        Or are you referring to the coming out of a cold shower into a hotter environment causing me to sweat because of the relevant change?

        I have seen a doctor about hyperhidrosis and the options are basically very expensive operations and since it doesn't affect my health it's not something I've worried about.

          So you do have a medical condition?

          I agree with everything else you said, but I think with the undershirt, it has to be loose fitting. If it's at all figure hugging, yup instant sweaty person inside.

            I will give that a go, have only tried figure hugging ones

              It makes sense. The tight ones trap a layer of air next to your body, the loose ones help it circulate.

              I do the same because I don't like using anti-perspirants. I figure anything like that on my skin is not the best in the long run.

              Hope it works for ya!

        The biggest thing you have to consider that the people you are thinking of are wearing, basically, ROBES. Robes create a lot of air circulation, this is what makes the cooling effect. Wearing heaving clothes won't have the same effect. You can't 'keep out' heat just by wearing heavier clothing.

        Wearing more or heavier clothes in general heat will just make you hotter.

          Not exactly - it's evaporation that passively cools the body, airflow and sweat are both components of this, however its a matter of surface area.. By adding material in constant direct contact with the skin, you you spread the water over a large area, and in 3d so it isn't pooling.

          You can see the results quite dramatically by putting a few drops of water on a bench top over night, vs a few on a square of tshirt material. As you probably already know, the latter will be dry in potentially an hour, while the other may still be there in the morning.

          Sweat realistically shouldn't be a problem, as long as it isn't visible and dries quickly, since its bacteria that causes the smell, so the main thing is getting it to evaporate as quickly as possible - which is also exactly what sportsware does, synthetically.

            You must be wearing better sport wear than me. The stuff I used to have doesn't breathe at all. It stays looking nice and crisp, but I'm a sweaty pool underneath.

            These days I just train in cotton shirts and shorts. I don't look cool but I'm much more comfy.

      Do some research into the fabric your suit is made of. Buy a white shirt that will breathe, and invest in structured suits that don't have any lining. Generally, you get what you pay for.

    SOME of these are good. Most of these are completely rediculous

    "If you believe in evolution..."
    Excuse me? Evolution is not something you believe in. It exists in all forms of life. The evolution of human beings and of the planet Earth (for example) is backed with scientific evidence. It is not a set of stories told in a book and preached to people one day a week in a place of worship.

    You can accept evolution or deny centuries of research.
    It's not a belief you hold like a religion or believing in the tooth fairy.

    Argh. Of all the stupid things on that list, that one annoyed me the most!

    Last edited 05/10/13 10:30 am

      I do believe in evolution, but I would like to point out that unless you've performed the experiments yourself, and read through all of the peer reviewed articles on a subject, you really have no more proof of most scientific facts than most other have about religion. You have faith that the evidence exists, that you can read it if you have the time and inclination, and that the scientists are presenting it correctly.

      I'm sure I'll be the recipient of a multitude of abusive and condescending messages for posting this, but I think it's important that people think about how science is presented to them on a daily basis.

        It's worth thinking about how science is presented, absolutely. However, the difference is that with straight faith, all you have is the assurance. You can't peek behind the curtain. With science, be it a proof, paper or theory, the curtain is right in front of you to peel back and see how it all works.

        Even if you don't read it, that the working is there and transparently presented is enough to make it more credible, more proof than any purely faith-based assertion.

        the "if you believe" part is mostly to avoid sensitivities from those who DONT. The point of that tip is that most people consider it as a fact, but the moment son religious folk comes by and asks them about it, they will realize they dont actually know how it works or how to explain it, yet still defend it as a fact. And so much for helping someone else understand your position or logic

      Clearly the point of the comment went straight over your head, most evident from the fact that you only quoted the first half of it.

      There is blatant irony in the statement as it immediately follows up the part you quoted by stating you should actually know something about how it works. Its poking fun at the fact that some people aggressively talk down religious people by mentioning evolution, but often know very little to nothing about how evolution works. In which case, because they actually know nothing on the topic they are in fact acting purely on faith, and hence for that particular person it is simply a belief, and not a rational point of view. Yes evolution is certainly real as you pointed out yourself, but thats not the point of the advice. Its the rest of the comment after the half you quoted thats the punchline.

      That particular line of advice as well can be applied to all walks of life and not just evolution/religion as well (ie. actually know what you're talking about). That I think was the general gist of that particular 'piece of advice'. And based on your comment, I think you'd do well to heed it.

    Must be a typo in the headline, Surely it's Goldman Wachs?

    It's a 50/50 list. Being a corporate suit monkey myself, some of these are warranted.

    I do find the negative comments hinting of hypocrisy. Don't judge me because I wear a suit and tie.

      the best thing one can do when dwelling in the corporate world is to acknowledge folks are just pigs in suits. We are all just pigs in robes, or pigs in jeans, pigs driving sedans and pigs driving porsches.

     Always carry cash.
    No, (unless you live in a country that tips are common) I only have cards and if someone wants my business they need to provide EFTPOS.
     Time is too short to do your own laundry.
    What? You throw your stuff in a machine and you press a button. Then unload hang up and then in a day put it away. WHAT IS HARD ABOUT THAT?
     Tip more than you should.
    Or move to a country that actuality pays workers a living wage and don’t ever be bothered by tips
     Learn how to fly-fish.
    Why its boring and the people that do it are boring
     Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.
    Yes own a weapon that can kill, that’s a good idea, NOT! (also Illegal in Australia Unless under VERY special circumstances)
     Don’t split a check.
    Why not? Why should I have to pay for everything?
     When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
    When does this happen? What bars are you going to?
     Do not use an electric razor.
    Why not it takes less time and is easier (plus you don’t cut yourself) weren't you just complaining that washing takes too long?
     Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
    Screw that! MY CAKE! (also Gay so yeh still MY CAKE)
     Buy a tuxedo before you are 30. Stay that size.
    Tailored Suit yes GOD YES, Tux no (NO ONE WEARS THEM)
     Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer.
    People wear those still?
     Take more pictures. With a camera.
    Or get a good phone they come with good cameras.
     Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.
    Why? Is this the 20’s she works too she can pay. (also gay so… yeh He can pay next time or pay half now)
     Staying angry is a waste of energy.
    Angry gets shit done
     If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
    If you believe in Creationism you’re an idiot

      Last....smile when you read comments to these rules from those who don't know.... : )

      * Card: Not accepted everywhere. My local sammich shop doesn't accept card, so having cash avoids that "brb, ATM" moment
      * If you can't afford to move to another country, tip more to be a nice guy
      * Picking up the cheque shows that you're in control of your finances and are saving plenty of money?
      * If you're a regular at the bar or there on the right occasion, the bartender will buy people a round of drinks. Happened to me a few years ago -- at a bar with mates, five of us rocked up, one of us a minute after the rest. Paid for four drinks, mate ordered the fifth, bartender said don't worry. We tipped him.
      * People still wear ties. Not in the "IT Department 8-bit tie lol" sort of way, but with a jacket or something
      * Difference between a camera photo and a phone photo is this: You're more likely to take care in taking a camera photo than a phone photo. As a photographer, I find this very true. Phone is for snapshots of my wife, cat and cool stuff around me. Camera is for awesome landscapes and keepsake photos.
      * If you're on a first date, pick up the bill. Chicks (and dudes) appreciate that and are thankful
      * If you're into football, you should know how to play it (the problem with Arsenal is, they're always trying to walk it on. What a ludicrous display!)

        Hahaha! Love the Arsenal IT Crowd ref :D

        Last edited 14/10/13 4:02 pm

      @ unknown_101

      Tip #66: If you need to tell people you are gay twice in the same post. It's likely inhibiting your ability to make an objective opinion on this matter.

      Im not homophobic, I advocate gay rights and marriage and i'm an Atheist. HOWEVER: "Please refrain from needing to negatively comment on an article that - in the very title - excludes you from the target audience the advice/tips are trying to reach"
      ^^^
      E.g. I wouldn't read a post about 'how to deal with racial prejudices in Southern USA' and then make a negative comment concerning the lack of vilification i receive as a white male in Australia.

      -Im an Australian aswell!
      -I always carry cash
      -I hate laundry
      -I tip
      -Australian has some of the best fishing locations in the world (its also a celebrated national pastime)
      -Shotguns are magnificent (people kill people)
      -pay the check
      -I am a bartender (we don't pay for shit, we have comp's),
      -Electric razors don't give the same finish. Go to a barber and experience a straight razor, you will understand.
      -i will happily pay for your desert, and pretend i don't mind.
      -Tuxedo's are Timeless, you are not NPH.
      -My favourite tie is actually pink!
      -Photography has been tainted by instagram, tumblr and facebook. (Thanks...)
      -I LOVE to pay the bill, She is an investment, dividends come later ;)
      -Angry? Gym.
      -Good Guy Atheist: Absent from spiritual belief, doesn't attack those that do, or call their religious views stupid ("Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, >>SEX<<, language, >>RELIGION<<, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status" - [Article 2. Declaration of Human Rights, United Nations].) --- Scumbag Homosexual (YOU): demands freedom from sexual persecution, openly persecutes religious views.

      but i guess you fit the criteria of being "a man's man", just not in the context originally intended.

      Last edited 17/10/13 2:48 am

        Soo good. F off unknown_101 you're a doosh.

      Do you honestly own nothing that needs to be hand-washed?

    i like it. Man up fellas.

    I actually find most of this fairly refined behaviour. There's nothing super ostentatious, look after yourself, enjoy your own company, nothing wrong with a little bit of peacocking, super expensive glasses are never unattainable, be generous, be smooth, don't make a fool of yourself at parties, don't date a mental case just because she's good in bed. Have fun while you're young, don't be so promiscuous that you have more than 1 woman on the go at a time. Be a social animal and enjoy.

    okay the laundry thing is weird.

    You don't have to be a corporate sell out to adopt 90% of these
    Just not a self hating nerd.

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