As the parent of a preschooler, I often notice myself feeling frustrated and asking myself “Why won’t she cooperate?!” If you have a young child at home, I know you understand. There are times when I’m tired or hungry or in a rush and I just want my daughter to do exactly as I say instantly without questioning, avoiding or delaying.
Illustration: Tina Mailhot-Roberge
What I’ve noticed is that as soon as I get attached to things going a certain way, my daughter has different ideas. I can understand why. Nobody likes to be forced to do anything. Not even young kids. Or maybe especially not young kids. I mean, toddlers and preschoolers are just developing their will and learning to act independently of us. So, of course they’re going to push back when we thrust our will upon them.
As a preschool teacher and now as a mum, I’ve discovered that there are certain things I can do that greatly increase the chances that kids will cooperate with me. Here are six secrets to getting kids to cooperate that have worked like a charm for me:
Invite, Don’t Demand
We all want our children to “ask nicely”, but the truth is that’s easier said than done. My question is, where do you think they learned to be demanding and inflexible? Oh yeah, from us! If we want our kids to cooperate, then we’ve got to be the bigger, more mature ones and lead by example. Contrary to popular belief, asking nicely, inviting, and working together to find a solution to a problem doesn’t teach children to be more defiant or disobedient, instead, by doing these things you’re laying a foundation of trust and teamwork that your kids will soon learn to rely on.
Use this quick test to figure out whether your request is actually a demand. Ask yourself, “Would it be OK if they answered ‘no’ to this request?” If not, then you’re not actually inviting or asking, you’re demanding or requiring a specific behaviour. That’s OK some of the time, especially if safety is an issue, but remember, the more demands you make on your kids, the less true, internally motivated cooperation you’re likely to get.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t have expectations of your children. It’s just that when those expectations aren’t met, it’s helpful to see that as an opportunity to problem solve together, rather than an excuse to punish them into submission.
Turn it Into a Game
Kids love to play. When you can make something fun, they’re far more likely to get on board. This does require some creativity and spontaneity on your part. When your child refuses to leave the park, can you find a way to make getting to the car more fun? Maybe you’ll pretend you’re firefighters and you have to jump into the firetruck to go put out the fire. Or perhaps you’ll race, or hop like a bunny, or offer a ride on your shoulders. Making things more fun isn’t just a great way to gain your child’s cooperation, it’s also a way to enjoy your time with them more. I mean, which would you prefer, a power struggle where you force your child kicking and screaming into his care seat or a fun game in which he climbs in willingly?
If you’re not sure what kind of a game will work best, tune in to your child’s interests. If she loves princesses, then you’ll be her knight in shining armour or her trusty steed. If he’s into trucks, you can ask if he wants to be fork-lifted into the car. Or maybe you’ve just read a story about a friendly fish, so try acting it out! If you just can’t seem to come up with an idea, ask your child what to play. Most kids are more than ready with a suggestion for a fun game or activity that you can alter slightly to fit your agenda.
Stop Repeating Yourself
This is a mistake we all make, especially when we’re not getting the results we want. Trust me that repeating yourself is the last thing you want to do if you’re trying to foster cooperation. Your child heard you the first time, and by repeating yourself, you’re simply training her to stop listening and wait for you to get frustrated before she acts.
Children are discovering all sorts of things about the world around them, including vast amounts of information about social/emotional dynamics. When they throw you off your game or induce you to get frustrated or upset, they’re gathering very interesting data about how to get what they want and what might cause you to reconsider your position. Don’t fall prey to their cunning.
When you can keep your cool and maintain clear boundaries, your kids will still test you, but after they’ve tested all their theories about how to get around your rule with no success, they will find other areas far more interesting and emotionally rich.
Be Forgetful
But what about when you’ve asked once and they’re not responding? Instead of asking again, take a different tack. Be forgetful and invite them to remind you what you said a moment ago. “Wait, I forget, didn’t I just ask you to do something? What was that? I think we were getting ready to go somewhere, but can you please remind me where?”
This allows the kids to be the smarter ones and if there’s one thing children love, it’s being smarter and more capable than adults.
Let Them Be In Charge
That’s why you’ll get a lot more cooperation when you allow them to be in charge. No need to constantly corral them, just put one child in charge of getting everyone ready and out the door and you’ll be surprised how quickly it will happen. This works especially well with my daughter when I underestimate her abilities and she gets to prove how smart and capable she is. “You don’t know how to do that all by yourself, do you?” And then when she has her shoes on and is climbing into her car seat, “Wow, you knew exactly what to do to get ready to go and you did know how to do it!”
Cooperate With Them
There are times when even the most cooperative child just needs some extra help. This could be because they’re tired, sick, hungry, or just feeling sad and disconnected. So if nothing else seems to work, offer to help. During times like this, we like to play a game in which my daughter pretends to be a baby and I have to do everything for her. After just a few moments of this game, she is far more willing to do what I’ve asked or help me with something. That’s because she knows that when she really needs some extra support, I’m there to willingly and happily provide her with the support she needs.
6 Secrets to Getting Kids to Cooperate [Lifehack]
Shelly Phillips is passionate about being the best human she can possibly be and supporting others to do the same. She has helped hundreds of clients overcome personal challenges and develop the skills to live happier, more authentic lives. You can find her conscious parenting blog here, and Her Authentic World team here: Follow her on Twitter here or email her at shelly at awakeparent.com.
Comments
10 responses to “Six Communication Tricks That Will Get Your Kids To Cooperate”
Or….. let them know right from the start, that you are in charge not them!
Discipline is something that rarely gets a mention when people write these all seeing all knowing answers to the problem of communicating with your kids. Discipline doesn’t mean flog the crap out of them either, for those who seem to think it’s a capital sin to punish your kids. My old man just had to look at me in a particular way, for me to know I’d crossed the line.
First things first. there is no phrase that grinds my gears more than “as a (busy) mum”. Having said that, I do believe the author has some valid techniques and I have used some of them such as making things a game i.e. getting them to eat dinner!
“Would it be OK if they answered ‘no’ to this request?” Uhhh, why would I be asking you to do something if it was OK for you to say no? The only thing my 3 year old son is allowed to say no to is when I ask him what he would like to do i.e. Would you like to go to the park? If I ask him to brush his teeth – he better well brush his teeth! I do say please, and pull him up when he doesn’t use manners.
I also agree with you Timmahh – discipline is needed when their co-operation fails to reach an expected level. My son knows too well that he’s going on the naughty step if I count to 5. I rarely make it passed 1. I’m very much a stick AND carrot parent.
I discipline my kids when they need it, but often I just don’t want to be all dictator-ey on them.
These articles are good because they can give you other strategies.
Discipline itself is good, but it has limitations and you don’t want to use it for everything.
Yes but my point is that discipline is very seldom mentioned in articles like this. Discipline does not mean corporal punishment, it just means making it known that you are in charge, not the child. You should never let a child think that they are in charge of anything that will be detrimental to their health or their future.
Every kid has their own currency, ours presently have iPods.
“You can have your iPod back when (insert requirement/s).”
Not so much ‘stick’, as ‘carrot deprivation’.
Or get a cattle prod… it works with most unruly animals
I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a morally reprehensible suggestion! Do you have any idea how many batteries would end up in landfill if I used this method to control my kids?
or go upmarket & get a taser, that way you can get them from a distance as well……
Tasers no good. They will just convulse on the floor for ten minutes. I need my kids to do shit when I ask.
“Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?” – Bender