Dealing With The Tardiness Of Others

Intriguing to note who's conditioned themselves to show up late themselves because the other party seems to chronically add a delay of some minutes consistently - thus, both of you arrive at around the same time. I've had friends who were "reliably late", and while it irked me, like any otherwise-worthy social relationship, I compensated.

Also keep in mind people who're habitually late and aware of it are likely going to be more mellow/forgiving with others, even if the situation is beyond your control. Certain cultures and backgrounds, including rural/indigenous ones, aren't going to be so slavish to the clock.

Time, after all, is what you make of it - I'm of the mind and act that I'm brutally efficient at times PRECISELY so I can unwind and relax later. Both of them go together, and that's a point lost on some.

@davrodg: Well, if you're late to work, then that time that your employer pays you for is completely wasted. Just saying.

I've always been a prompt person, but I have a few friends that were habitually late. I never felt the compulsion to confront them about it -- that's the thing about being friends: you accept them for who they are! Nor did I ever think of it as having to "deal" (i.e., putting up with a major inconvenience) with their tardiness. If I made plans with one of my tardy friends, I adjusted the plan to account for them being late, and if I expected them to be late, it was never an issue.

To me, the article comes across as way too indignant at the thought of someone else being late. I guess there is definitely a distinction between tardy co-workers vs. friends, though.

From the article: "Tell your friend that you feel disrespected when he or she keeps you waiting for more than a few minutes..."

That's quite a hard line you're towing, since I doubt most people's watches are even synched that closely to begin with. And a few minutes difference could be due to something as simple and out of one's control as catching a couple of red lights.

Everyone's time is important, yes, but I think this article kind of takes it to an extreme where it's telling us that time is "precious", as if every second of every day must be spent efficiently. Thing is, if you lighten up and just let things flow, you'd probably enjoy life a lot more.

"By being late, they control each and every situation, and make every situation revolve around them. By taking control back, you thwart these efforts and put them on notice that you cannot be manipulated in that way."

Really. It's not that bad.

weatherking

Out of the people I know that have a tardiness problem, it is absolutely NOT a respect issue. It usually has to do with problems perceiving the passage of time accurately. "If I hurry, I can stop and get a gift for the hostess on the way to the party." The other two people have severe problems getting up in the morning, even though they set two alarm clocks (one in the shower, which I find hilarious) and get enough sleep.

I've actually seen my mother arrive late at church for Sunday School and just sit in the car crying until time for worship service because she was too ashamed to be late again.

That said, I think following the established schedule regardless of whether the late person has arrived is the best course of action. It will weed out the disrespectful from the pitifully flawed. If they start showing up on time once they know you'll leave without them, then it was a respect issue. If once you've made it clear that you'll go on without them, they continue being late, miss out on things they would have enjoyed, and support your decision to leave without them, then you're probably friends with a sad sack of crap that does respect you and pretty deeply hates themselves for their inability to be on time.

EustaceTheDragon

@crabbygeek: Being early is just as rude as being late if you are picking someone up at their home or job or arriving at a party. The person sets a pick-up time or start time expecting you to be on time, and when you're early, they may not be prepared for you.

EustaceTheDragon

Same here in India. Only a few people try to manage to get on time for work.

dnyanesh

@fjpoblam: Oh, and, BTW, I've had acquaintances reschedule a meeting from 12:30 to 12, and then not show up until 12:30. Hah!

The suggestion, "If you're late, I/we'll get started without you [or leave your tickets at the door or have the waiter send you to the table or...whatever]" seems to work like a champ for every habitual late acquaintance.

Time is a cultural thing, and while I will grant this is written for American culture, when you live other places you have to learn about their concept of time.

For example, in Turkey time is truly relative. If the stated start of event is 6:00 p.m. you can bet no one will actually begin to even think about showing before 7:30. Few people will ever be on time, even in business. And that is fine, perhaps even expected. You get used to it, it's far more relaxed when you don't have to worry about exact times.

I still live where time is more fluid than in the States, which is good for me. However, I do try to remember when I am in the States that time does matter.

karlawithak

@Jason Fitzpatrick: I love this suggestion!

Shashank Agarwal

At work, I follow #4: go on with your plans. I'll start the meeting without late comers and will not re-hash decisions made in their absence. It gets the point across that our project will continue without them.

All in all, you ends up having to consider the pros and cons of depending on someone like that.

I don't fully agree with the quotation.

It's not always a disrespect issue... sometimes it's just a lack of perception on how much trouble the tardiness causes.

Quite oftenly, the matter becames an issue that ruins friendships, or ends up with the boss firing the employee due to lack of communication.

So, I agree with the conclusions: You have to make it clear on how important it is for people not to get late.
In extreme cases, you should just cease depending on the person, so if he does get late, you can just ignore it.

And in cases in which responsability is critical, people who are repeatedly tardy have to be dismissed pure and simple. If that's not possible, sanctions and punishments have to be applied so he/she gets some perspective.

Showing what problems the person's tardiness causes is also a good way to avoid it. Something that's not frequently done.

Bokusatsu_Tenshi

NEVER CARPOOL WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE ALWAYS LATE

I have to say, that is a tip worthy of headlining the newspaper. It seems obvious, but plenty of people in America do it.

My brother-in-law and Father-in-law are perpetually late. We now tell them an hour before the actual time. If they still don't show, then we move on.

In my brother-in-law's case, it's clear that he doesn't care about others - it's all about him. A recent 2 and a half hour trip upstate to visit in-laws proved so when he and his wife decided to stop off at the outlets to return stuff and do some "quick" shopping while leaving everyone else waiting for them (and believe me, we were starving by this point). We were suppose to all be there by 1 for lunch. We traveled the farthest and arrived on time.

I try hard not to be late. Before I had the kiddo - I was always early. For the most part we now run on time, but there are occassions that we are running late. In our case, it's not that there isn't any respect, it's just that things didn't go as planned. ;) We always call when this is the case.

My soon to be ex-wife is, was, and always will be late. I always hated it, for our first date, she was around an hour late. I should have known. And I have always thought it was disrespectful.

On the other hand I'm never late, and typically early. I addapted by alway delaying any time given by her by 15-30 minutes. It took some time but I dealt with it.

Anyway I won't have to deal with it for much longer.

crabbygeek

I am always late to work, but never to meetings or personal events (I never leave an individual waiting)... so this article suggests I have no respect for my job... I would have to disagree with that, but perhaps I am taking this a bit too personal! But spot on overview and great corrective measures advice - thanks LH

davrodg

@dragonskin: My principle tool for dealing with chronically late people is to give them a very clear picture of the planned schedule, invite them, and then carry on with the schedule whether they arrive or not. I might say for example "We're having dinner at five, it would be wonderful to see you there." If they aren't there, we eat anyway.

You'd be amazed how punctual chronically late people can become when they realize you're not going to be waiting but going off on an adventure without them.

This is by far one of my biggest pet peeves. I'm never shy about telling chronically late people that I think it's disrespectful and unacceptable.

One way I try and deal with two people who are the worst offenders is to tell them the event starts a half hour to an hour before it actually begins.

Tell them "We're all meeting at 6:00" then tell my punctual friends 7:00. It sometimes works but requires I get there a bit earlier just in case.

Navin R Johnson

This is actually pretty good at covering the bases. I've had to deal with being tardy personally, to having other be tardy. It is really simply about time management, and staying calm and relaxed. Getting worked up over it will only add more wasted time/energy on a moot point.

SoundSystem

My favorite tip in that article?

"This may not work if you're dealing with your mother"

Siegeman

I completely gree with Step 2. Deal with the problem immediately.
If he/she calls and gives a reason (however lame the reason might be) I then won't consider it as disrespect. However people who get late and do not inform they are to blame.

dragonskin

@EustaceTheDragon: go on without them? sounds pretty nasty. They would probably hete you rather than themselves with a sad sack of crap. YOu just have to understand you can't change people.

ridgecity

I don't deal with it. Period.

If it's co-workers or clients, I don't care if they're late. They're paying me by the minute to sit there and twiddle my thumbs.

If it's my friends, I leave after 10 minutes of waiting if they haven't called to say that they are running 10 minutes late. I'm nobody's idiot.

Fabulously Broke

@infmom: she could have just moved in with you...

ridgecity

@cl0123: you can see it with movie stars, they arrive early to the red carpet, yet arrive late and sometimes don't ever bother to go for everything else. You know they care about the event.

ridgecity

@cl0123: Punctuality is for boring people, you will always know who will be the first guy in a place, the guy/girl that has no conversation and is only interested in what the appointment is about. Always very well groomed and carries a pen everywhere just in case he has to write something, of course he's never had to develop a memory bank on his brain because he's got one 1 thing to do. Get angry when you discuss what you have been doing during the day, because he was took focused to hurry everything before to make that appointment. Expect everyone to love at the same level what he loves so much and rants about social values and how important is caring about it.

I had a girlfriend who got angry because I couldn't cross the city and arrive early to pick her up. I had other stuff to do before seen her, andmost of the time 30 minutes drive isn't enough in a city, you have to leave an hour before. Of course she had hit the door, since everytime she got angry about my punctually I realize I didn't care about it.

If you arrive early to a movie you love it!
If you arrive punctual to a movie you care for it.
If you arrive late for a movie you probably could be doing something better...

ridgecity

How do I deal with my wife?

As well as being perpetually late, she is also perpetually last. Whatever we are doing, she will be the last to be ready to go. I first noticed it when we were dating. Anytime we went to dinner, no matter how long we had been sitting at the table after the bill had come and gone, no matter how many times we had agreed we were ready to leave, the moment I got up she would need one last sip of water. Eating at home, I can guarantee that once we all sit down, she will get up to get a drink of [whatever is not on the table] while we all wait -- regardless of how much notice I give her that dinner is almost ready. Leaving the house, it doesn't matter how many tasks I find to do on the way out, she will find one more -- even if it means waiting until my coat is on, then deciding she needs the bathroom.

It's hard for me to believe that, at least subconsciously, she believes that her time is more valuable than mine. I've pointed it out to her, both seriously and jokingly, but it makes no difference. What more can I do about it?

theczardictates

@cmart2112: I can't stand people like that, I specially like to bother people like that. Why? because I lack respect for other people's time. One time, I felt asleep while my friends were outside my house waiting for me to go to a party, I had take a hot shower and didn't want to go anyways, but I woke upand went with them. I even nailed the hottest chick in there. Lol, sometimes, I wonder if God has a special plan for me.

ridgecity

@cmart2112: I had a boss like that. If you were a contractor, he expected you to be an hour early, and if you weren't there by 30 minutes to the appointment time he would leave and cancel the contract. If you were an employee, he would expect you to be 30 minutes early, and if you weren't there by 15 minutes to the appointment time, he would leave and typically fire you. Very obnoxious, but you caught on really quick.

I never understood it though. Just tell people the earlier time then. It was some sort of social test of how much you wanted to do the work for him. Expect, to me, it meant you were interfering with other work.

maztec

Or, instead of disrespect, it is a sign of a different culture - and to not understand that is even more disrespectful. Know that and schedule appropriately. I deal with clients from other cultures that believe that if I schedule them for an appointment today at 10:00 am, that means for them to show up, sometime, today, usually within 4 hours of 10:00 am, either direction.

So, what do I do? I schedule larger open windows and I schedule the client earlier than I anticipate them actually showing, so they will be there on time. Consistently, if I want someone to meet with me at 2:00, I schedule them for 12:30. If I want them at 10:00, I schedule them at 8:00. And so on, it works, and yes there are different times to add or subtract depending on the time of the day. Then, when they call and say they are going to be late, which only some of them do, I grudgingly reschedule them for the time I had originally anticipated them showing up. I also make a point of calling them 30 minutes before when I truly expect them to show up and saying, "Hey, you had an appointment today at 10:00, you missed it, are you still coming in? I have an opening in 30 minutes, but it is going to be short." And, guess what, they come in, at that time, on time, consistently.

So, don't be a jerk and schedule behind them. Instead, schedule them earlier and show up at the time you expect them. If they make it on time, remember that and figure out how they work so you can consistently reach the same time despite what you tell them the time is to be.

maztec

I, too, am typically very punctually. However, my pet-peeve is people who expect you to show up EARLY. My old boss used to schedule meetings for 12:00, but the unwritten rule was he wanted everyone seated and ready to go at 11:30. He would say, "If you're early, you're on time. And if you're on time, YOU'RE LATE!" I understood the "spirit" of the saying (basically wanting everyone to respect each other's time) but I always wanted to tell him he sounded like an A-hole contradicting himself! If you want me here at 11:30… JUST SAY 11:30!!!!
To me, if a meeting starts at 12:00... showing up at 11:55 is expectable. As for social engagements, there is 10-15 minutes in buffer room (unless happy-hour is on the line!)
.

Best advice:
Taking this personally is foolish. It really isn't about you at all - it's about the other person. Don't get insulted or feel less important because this one friend is disrespectful.

ThaMofo

@fjpoblam: Hahaha. Just the other day I did some catering for a lady. She asked for pickup at noon, then called and asked if she could have it early at 1130, for her meeting was at 12. She never showed up til around 1155.

@karlawithak: I'm curious how you handle events that are managed by uncaring third parties. For example, what happens if you and your friends want to see a movie that starts at 6:00pm? Or catch a train leaving at 8:00am?

nighttimestereo

@EustaceTheDragon: That's why you aim to show up early and wait in your car, or park around the block. Some people are early in a rude way, but showing up early and being willing to wait (something that is very hard for a lot of people these days) is one way to be reliably punctual.

nighttimestereo

Concur. Very interesting article. Would love to hear more from the other side (of being punctual).

cl0123

My husband will be fine just as soon as they invent the transporter beam. As it is, he thinks "It will take me half an hour to get there" and forgets to account for the time spent getting to and from the car, getting to and from the door, etc etc etc etc etc.

He's nowhere near as bad as my mom was, though. She was absolutely incapable of being on time. And it was always someone else's fault that she was late. It was exasperating beyond belief. My kids learned early on not to rely on Grandma to show up when she was supposed to.

We never did find a solution.

@Siegeman: No kidding. We used to joke that my mother would be late for her own funeral.

She actually was, but that's only because she donated her body for medical research and we didn't get her ashes till a year later. But my brothers and I did have quite a laugh about our prediction coming true.

@PajamaJames: If someone in your carpool is always late, leave without them. After they miss work a couple days they might just get the message.

@wickedcupofjoe: It's a passive-aggressive thing. "You can't tell me what to do" or the equivalent. I've always thought that was what was at issue with my mom, and until I kicked his fanny with determination, my husband as well.

It's never easy to get anywhere precisely on time with small children. That's a whole different situation. Been there, done that. :) But calling to say you'll be late can do wonders for the fuss-and-fume factor on the other end.

@tali3sin: Next time you're going from A to B, write down your start and end times. Next time you go from A to C, write down your start and end times. Keep doing this with all your usual destinations. Build up a database of travel times so you don't have to rely on your faulty internal database. After you've gone from A to B five or six times and you've written down the start and end times, you'll have a pretty good idea of how long it will take you under average conditions.

Now, mind you, this means from the moment you walk out the door till the moment you walk into your destination, not just the time you're actually on the road.

@Jason Fitzpatrick: SOME chronically late people will mend their ways if you leave without them. Others won't. It never helped with my mom.

@Navin R Johnson: I've done that before and the person showed up "on-time" to the fake time. They were pretty ticked off about it but to be honest... it felt GREAT to waste their time for a change. If you can't beat em', join em'.

The Thinker

Now, if only we could have an article for us chronically late folks, on the other side of this equation... I swear, this is the one character flaw I've been trying to fix for basically my entire life, and I've never figured it out. It's not disrespect... in fact, I always feel deeply upset and ashamed when I am late. That doesn't seem to help, though. I think it's just a lack of awareness of how long it takes to do something coupled with a bad time sense (e.g. if I'm getting ready in the morning and haven't looked at a clock for a few minutes, I have no idea if 5 minutes or 20 have passed). And poor time management, yes, definitely. And probably an element of OCD (when I'm leaving the house sometimes I can't force myself to leave until certain household tasks are done, like washing dishes or taking out the trash).

Of course, people who get that angry about it and consider it a personal insult have pretty quickly removed themselves from my life, and I'm sure that's better all around. I try my hardest, and I am reliable and trustworthy in other ways, but I will just never be the sort of person who will consistently be on time. The people in my life have generally just adjusted to that, I think, and they understand I don't do it just to annoy them.

LOL.

"This will not work if you're dealing with your Mother."

RyaninCalgary

@weatherking: Yes, it seemed like an awful lot of whining and personalizing to me. The other person being late has nothing to do with you, and this "disrespect" stuff is bologna. My advice would be to stop being so uptight and adapt yourself rather than trying to change their behavior.

Wit is periodically disensouled

@karlawithak: I agree with the whole cultural thing. here in the Philippines, people always arrive 30 minutes late. If you have a party at 6:30, people start arriving at around 7:00-7:30. We joke around and call this Filipino time. Not being racist, but just letting you know about this:
15 minutes early is what we call American time
and not showing up at all is called Indian time.

Jason Kenneth Dulay

@Jason Fitzpatrick: I agree, that's an awesome suggestion (like the one in the article), which I use all the time. I wish more public events were run like this, too. Passive-agressive, maybe, but it works.

There's also just showing up late to everything they invite you too!

Coqui!

@wildfire759: Unless it's like my old job, and they just pay you for the time you're there. Just sayin' ;-)

tali3sin

@Navin R Johnson: This is another thing my friends do to me to make sure I get there on time, works like a charm (a good portion of the time) :D

tali3sin

@Jason Fitzpatrick: As one of those, obviously irritating, people that are "ever-late"... this is exactly what I tell my friends to do.

I realise that I'm fairly unreliable when it comes to timeframes, and judging how long I've got to get from A to B, etc, and they all know to just carry on without me.

I don't complain if I miss out on a bit of this, or that, it's my fault anyway... so, wait, I think what I'm saying is - I agree with this suggestion :-p

tali3sin

It's definitely a cultural thing.

However, if your boss is punctual and thinks employees should be, just weigh the benefits of being on time and earning a paycheck or waltzing in at your own convenience and looking for employment.

Also, you will miss a lot of airplane flights, buses, trains, concerts, movie beginnings and even free beer, pizza and sushi. People who are chronically late typically miss out on opportunity to have the best.

Being late can get very costly in terms of travel. Miss a flight, miss a connection, you'll often end up spending the night in a crappy overpriced hotel instead of where you want to be while paying reticketing charges, etc.

Deprong Mori

@karlawithak: Here in Italy, the lectures never start on time, and yet I (as an English person rather than an American) cannot bring myself to arrive half an hour late like my professor, on the tiny off chance that today will be the day she arrives on time!

littlemissellie

@nighttimestereo: (in a willing to wait kind of way) to someone whose circumstances make them be occasionally late.

littlemissellie

If somebody expects me to be early for a meeting, they need to schedule the meeting for the time they want me there. I will show up 5 minutes early to a meeting, tops. This isn't the airport. We do not have to clear security checks. It's a @#$%-ing meeting. If the specs were clear to begin with, we wouldn't need this bloody meeting in the first place.

Oh, sorry, did I say that out loud? :-)

Mike Loux

@wirehead2501: Create a time database for yourself. For a month, every day, write down the start and stop times of everything you do. That way you will be aware of how much time has passed and you'll eventually build up a record of how long each daily task is likely to take you. That might help you get a handle on back-timing your day.

@ridgecity: Not in this or any other lifetime. :)

@karlawithak: That's the way time worked for my mother. If an invitation said 6:00pm, chances are she'd still be piddling around getting ready to leave at 7.

@PajamaJames: "I would not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you." -- Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

At the current workplace, we're a little lax about tardiness, but we all travel over 45 min for face-to-face meetings and traffic can be really bad here. Calling is required if you'll be late.

My first real job had a team policy that being late to meetings was unacceptable, unless dealing directly with a customer or a family emergency. The penalty was you were required to bring snacks, usually donuts, to the next meeting. If multiple people were late, the last person was tagged.

This was in a SEI-5 environment, so there were many meetings for reviews, process tweaks, and status meetings besides customer meetings. Being 1 second late meant donuts and we all took it seriously. Customer meetings, IBM was our customer, required travel and being late meant the meeting was rescheduled - a wasted drive over. We all tended to arrive 20 minutes early.

The only thing worse than being late to a meeting was coming unprepared. Each of us had to sign our names to review sheets testifying that we had completely reviewed the design, test, code, test results, process changes ... or whatever. If any of the reviewers were not ready, the meeting was rescheduled and your manager was notified. We had an extremely low error rate with about 1 error every 2 years making it into the system developed by 11-22 software developers. That's total errors, not per person.

TheFu

@wirehead2501: I too would like to hear some more responses from the other side of the punctuality line.
Unless there is something very important upcoming, I generally do just wait things out, even for those who are habitual. I do not quite agree on throwing an extra buffer-period to those who are usually late because that would be disrespectful towards them. I do know how to nag, with humor or not, though. Just ask my better-half. She's slowly coming around after 10 years... I need counseling on that...

cl0123

@theczardictates: Dad? Is that you?

You just described my step-mother to the letter.

Jeff_McAwes0me

I'm pretty consistent on a 15 min. limit and scram.

Being late is often manipulative--part of the standard repertoire of domineering personalities. Another is refusing to set a definite time for a meeting, like "I'll meet you there after five." All domineering personalities are manipulative, though they may seem merely inconsiderate.

Capone

It depends; if a meeting start time has come and gone and I am the senior person in the room, I have a strict five minute rule; if the majority of the attendees haven't shown by start + 5, meeting cancelled and I leave.

If I am waiting for superiors to show up, I'll sit there until the scheduled end of the meeting, especially if they were the one to call the meeting. It all pays the same and then when they bitch at me for missing a deadline or being late on a project, I can say "well, I sat in the meeting room for 45 minutes this morning waiting for you..."

four12

I am habitually late, usually 15 minutes. It's never been a matter of disrespect nor am I trying to control situations. I have an awful time getting up in the morning for reasons unknown, I'm easily distracted from necessary tasks (like showering), and I don't think things take as long as they actually do. Fortunately, my employer has made it expressly clear that no one is to complain to him about my tardiness because he doesn't care and my friends/family know that I'll probably be a few minutes late. The times that I MUST be on time, I make a point to:
-consider the value of the event, what I will lose by missing the event, and that participation in the event is constrained by time (e.g., they are not going to let me in the opera late).
-convince myself that the value of the event is so great that I should show up 1/2 hour early.
If the value is not so great that I can convince myself to arrive 1/2 hour early, I'll pass on the event. If it is, I'll wind up arriving 5-15 minutes early.

If I ever get another job, though, I'm going to have to have a big fight with myself about this.

lolagrinnin

It's not always a respect/control issue, although that's what I've seen the most.

As other commenters have noted, it can also be a lack of grip on reality: "Ok, if everything out of my control goes perfectly, I'll arrive just in the nick of time. Dammit, a red light!"

What people aren't saying is the self-destructive angle. Look at wirehead2501: aware that it's wrong, know that it hurts them, can't fix it. Some people just need to mess up a bit to feel alright.

Clinth

@karlawithak: As an American who has lived in a south Pacific country (Papua New Guinea), the fact that this is a cultural thing was abundantly clear. I had hoped that someone would comment on how monochronic the author of this article was. In a large portion of the world, time does not hold the supreme value that Americans place on it.

Brock Sutton

I've not read the comments & dunno if someone's already suggested/mentioned this. When I was a teen, I had learnt the technique of 'stop loss' in a book (I can't recall the name, selective amnesia I guess) & swear by it. Just like in stock trading we can set a price at below which the stock is sold automatically saving us from further losses; we can set a time period, say 15 minutes for which we are willin' to wait. After that, we cancel it move on. Tellin' the person that we have defined such & such time period after which our 'meet' will go down the river improves the odds significantly, and following it out, even once if you have to, cures him/her.

ClarkAutonoe

@wirehead2501: I feel for you. It's hard to change a habit, especially ones that are influenced by subconcious thoughts. It's tough and it takes a LOT of work. You might be able to break this cycle fairly easily.

First, start asking around. Ask your friends if it bothers them and let them know you often feel bad about it. Maybe you're the only one that notices and, if so, you can stop worrying about it if it isn't something that other people notice or care much about. It's important to decide if it's something worth changing.

If you decide it's a problem you need to deal with then you need to set aside any thought that there are late people and on-time people. You'll need to start by being everywhere very early. Because you have a difficult time gauging elapsed time you'll need to get more confident by getting places early and then eventually working to make yourself less early.

If you strive to "not be late" then you're setting up anxiety and possible failure. Turning the whole situation around and being early to everything until you're better at time management means you're never going to feel guilty about time.

One more thing, get an iphone or something similar. This way when you're early and killing time you can read email or the news. I've found it makes killing time at a moments notice much easier.

@karlawithak: Agreed. Culture plays a significant factor in how "tardiness" is viewed. Yes it is true in the US, where I am a citizen, but do not currently live, time can be quite important. It lends to high rates of productivity and reliability, etc. etc. It also gives way to higher stress and discomfort levels for many.

In other countries I have lived, the idea of time is relative and it is a different way of life. Being a chronically late person myself, even I find myself ahead of the game in many places and yearn for things to happen closer to on time. Other times I quite enjoy the idea of not worrying about being there and specifically, not being upset that someone else is late.

In the end, I think I prefer a little of both worlds, but do understand I ought try to follow the rules of etiquette depending upon where I am.

runtoofar

I'm chronically late. I can see why people would find it disrespectful, but in my case at least, it's due to neuropsychiatric problems, as well as to side effects of the medication I take for them. While most people who are late probably can't produce a medical diagnosis, they're still probably dealing with some kind of problem, rather than being intentionally disrespectful, playing power games, or otherwise being bad. After all, it's usually not in people's best interests to be late. Just because you find it easy to be punctual, that doesn't mean that everyone else does. You probably have weaknesses of your own, and you'd find it annoying and counterproductive if people told you that you could do better if you only wanted to. None of this means that you just have to put up with lateness. But by leaving blame out of the picture, you're more likely to come up with a constructive response. As people have pointed out, some strategies can be very effective in dealing with people who are habitually late. When those strategies don't work, you might want to limit your dealings with those people, if punctuality is important to you. Also, you may want to suggest that they get help.

ValentineMalingsia

Two great tools: 1. As a VP of Sales, I had regular meetings. I used to put a plastic "tip cup" on the conference table. I charged $5 if you were late. The monies went to our admin who set up the meetings. You'd be surprised what a good admin will do to delay a rep from getting to the door on time! 2. If you want the respect, you have to earn it. The meeting organizer needs to be on time. Also, ask others how much time they'll need for their parts of the meeting...then hold them to it. I used to cut off folks at their allotted time (usually an hour). We need to respect the fact that others are planning around the schedule...so don't allow others to get the meeting off schedule. Respect is earned, not bought (well, maybe with a few $5 bills).

AntoniaAstypalaea

My side of the family is punctual to a fault; my wife's is habitually late. I can't tell you how many holidays we've spent sitting in our living room making small talk and waiting for her family to show up. This morning we spent half an hour waiting for my wife's mom to show up. For Mother's day. I do agree with the "tell them an earlier time" suggestion. We always tell her family what time we're eating on holidays an hour before the time we give my family. That way my family only has to wait an hour instead of the usual two.

robohara

This concept of time is *very* American. I have friends and family from Europe and the Middle East, where it is common to arrive 15-30 minutes after the scheduled time. And the Italian-born will be even later. ;)

SukritiMagumbalee

Be careful about assuming that it is a lack of respect, ESPECIALLY when working with people from other cultures. In lots of cultures around the world, being tardy is NOT a sign of disrespect at all. The United States has one of the most time-based lifestyles in the world, and it is important to remember this.

BreezyGalump

@SukritiMagumbalee: Hmm. So with all the precision watchmakers, the Swiss must be obsessed with knowing exactly how late they're running!

(Just foolin' with ya! :-)

A.Franklin

@humperdinck: *then

To all the tardy people saying you aren't being late out of disrespect, while that's nice to say, it's not for you to decide if it's disrespectful.

If the people who are waiting for you feel disrespected, than it's disrespectful.

It's a matter of intent versus impact.

@nighttimestereo: This is a good suggestion that I find works best if I have an enjoyable way to kill the time, like an iPhone game or a good book* to read.

Otherwise, it's easy to find yourself counting the minutes, and ending up more irritated than is warranted when they're only 2 minutes late but you've been waiting for 22.

*For those born after 1990, a "book" is what you call the data loaded on a Kindle. ;-)

A.Franklin

I'm all about #7. One of my best friends is a classic overplanner. She just always tries to do too many things at once. So I just tell her that things start an hour before they actually do, so when we're "late", we're actually right on time. The funny thing is that she knows that I do this and it still works out somehow. Whatever. At least we're on time and I'm not stressed out and pissed off, so I'll take it.

Being a semi-chronic tardy person, I'd have to say that procrastination plays into this big time. Unless there's some big thing that needs to be done well prior to any particular engagement, I often end up cramming everything into the last possible time frame, which is usually seriously underestimated (pre-meeting tasks + whatever other normal prep + travel time > my perception).

A great example is Mother's Day - saying I'll be at mom's at about 1:00, then end up starting to get ready at 11:45, thinking I can cram showering & dressing + stopping to get a card and/or flowers (there's that procrastination thing) + 45-50 minutes of drive time (on a good day) all in less than an hour and a half. Not happening.

I've learned that I need to do any related errands/tasks at least a day before and have myself physically ready to walk out the door at least an hour before the scheduled leave time. Being a procrastinator, it's something I need to be consciously aware of all of the time.

Oh and those road ragers you see riding your bumper cursing and waving their arms (especially in the morning)? My money says most of them are procrastinators. Been there, done that.

marness

The guy who heard you plead your case for a grant from the New York State Council on the Arts made appointments on the half-hour. You had 30 minutes. My friend had a 10:00 AM appt for her non-profit. The subway broke down. She called and forewarned she would be late. She got there at 10:10 AM, apologized and launched into her spiel. At exactly 10:30 AM, the man got up and walked to the door to the adjoining room while she was just getting to the important part. She cried out to him to stop, begging for the time to finish. He turned to her and said very pleasantly, with no rancour in his voice, “I see ten groups a day. Everyone has an appointment. Everyone gets 30 minutes. The fact that you were delayed is your problem, not the next person’s. I have a schedule to keep.” And he walked into the next appointment. My friend said the most stunning apart about it was the matter-of-factness and lack of anger or peevishness in the man’s voice. He was running on his time.

LouisaMagoot

What if the person who is chronically late is your boss? What if he never comes to things on time, and it's impossible to hold him accountable or move on without him? It is clearly an issue of disrespect, but he is essentially the gatekeeper when it comes to making major decisions. Any suggestions?

SitaLaenas

@LouisaMagoot: I'm guessing if he runs his business life like that every day, he gets a whole lot of late people and had to learn how to not take it even remotely personally. Which is a good thing.

Sounds like he's transferred the importance on time from himself, to his clients. "I could stay here with you, but you wouldn't be wasting my time, you'd be wasting my next client's time, and as a scrupulous and respectable businessman, I simply cannot allow that. Good day to you."

I think I like this highly organised fellow, despite being his opposite.

tali3sin

@humperdinck: I agree that we (the late folk) should be more aware of the feelings of others in this matter, which I think is implied by your ah, helpful, comment.

However, you're talking about the thoughts and emotions of other people, something essentially outside any one's realm of control.

They should also be understanding of our (the late person) feelings, and troubles with time management. <-- in a perfect world.

If we're late, and we apologise, they should forgive, and all should go on in a merry fashion.

If it's not intended as disrespect, then it's not disrespect, that's not for the other party to decide either.

tali3sin

@Capone: Wow, that sounds like a whole lot of black and white BS to me :)

Where are your shades of grey?

tali3sin

@infmom: You know, that's not a terrible idea.

I might see if I can make that a habit, who knows, maybe it'll help :)

tali3sin

@SitaLaenas:

Amen to that. Ideas?

jstahly

@ridgecity: As someone who's habitually late, I can say that following the established schedule is the best way to deal with things. If I miss out on something because I was late, I just have to deal with it. I'm not going to hate the person who couldn't wait.

Packy Anderson

@wildfire759: I'm a salaried employee: my employer doesn't pay me for my time--it pays me to accomplish the tasks I'm assigned, whether that takes me 40 or 60 hours a week. Just because I usually start my 10-hour day at 11:00AM doesn't mean I don't respect my employer. It means that getting anyplace on a schedule is inordinately stressful for some people, and my employer respects me enough to not make me punch a clock so they can keep track of my comings and goings.

Packy Anderson

@Wit is periodically disensouled: Yes, but. Sometimes it IS about disrespect. I have a friend who is perfectly capable of being on time when it's important to her .. which tells me that when she's late to our plans, it's NOT important to her. When she has to be there she is, which makes the tardy days even more insulting. It's a crapshoot about what she views as important, and it's frustrating to try and figure out why she's late, when I clearly think it was important for her to be there.

FourInchHeels

@ridgecity: Is it better that you hate them because they've made YOU late, possibly missing the event in question? It's a question of whose problem is this? YOU being late is YOUR problem .. it should not become mine. I do understand that I cannot change my late friend, but I dislike that I end up resenting her because I like to be early and she makes me late.

FourInchHeels